May 27, 1998- my youngest sister, Makenna was born. I don’t remember much of my mom’s pregnancy, as I was only 8, but I remember the morning of her birth day as if it was yesterday. I was so excited for her to be born. I spent the day thinking about what a wonderful gift it was for my mother to be able to bring my sister into the world and what it would be like for me to one day be able to do the same. As I rode my bike around the cul-de-sac under the watchful eye of Helen Smithson , I couldn't help but feel as if it was Christmas morning. I was so anxious for my dad to call and tell us she was here and that we could come to the hospital to meet her. I remember getting my other two sisters all ready, with hair in pigtails, to go see Makenna. As I stood there at the doorway, with a long hospital hallway in front of me, I was overcome with emotion. My little 8 year old self couldn’t wait to hold a precious, little baby- my sister. I love the smell of hospitals, as it brings back this wonderful memory.
Last night, one of our friends mentioned that his wife was having contractions and that they might be having their baby very soon. As we drove away, I told Coulton how I can’t even begin to imagine how excited I would be to be able to say that I am having contractions and that we will be having a baby soon. To be able to grab that pre-packed diaper bag, car seat, and newborn onsie, get into the car and drive to the hospital is beyond my comprehension. Coulton then told me that he had thought about that too and felt the same way. He said it would be like Christmas morning.
In the beginning of April, Coulton and I had made a trip to Provo, UT and on our way home, we decided to spend the weekend with my sister and her husband. They had blown up an air mattress for us to sleep on and put it in their spare bedroom. Coulton and I were in the room, getting settled in. We were just sitting on the bed, when Senaka, my sister, came into the room and sat down. She motioned to Austin, her husband, to come in and he sat on the bed as well. Senaka looked at me and said, “So…” That’s all she had to say and the only thing I could get out was, “Are you serious? Are you serious?” and then sobbed. I tried to look up and give them a smile or a congratulations, but all I could do was get my wet mascara all over my sweatshirt sleeve. I sobbed as Coulton rubbed my back. I finally gained enough composure to say, “That is so exciting,” but then sunk back into my dark realm. The feelings were similar to those of when my brother announced that he was pregnant almost exactly 3 years previous, but these emotions nearly took my heart out and crushed it, literally making it hard to breathe. How to deal with this, I do not know.
The week of April 19th, my sister-in-law and I were FaceTiming and, as usual, we were talking about my infertility issues and what we were going to do. I nonchalantly mentioned to her that there is an infertility specialist who comes up from Sandy, UT once a month to my doctor’s office and that I should see him sometime. She then simply said, “Make an appointment.” For some reason, I needed that simple push. I instantly hung up with her and called to make an appointment. As I was talking to the receptionist, giving her my information and setting up the appointment, I felt so good about it and really felt this was the right thing to do. Before I hung up with her, she mentioned to me that the consultation would be free because it was National Infertility Awareness Week. What?! I was shocked. Through my tears, I eventually got a “thank you” out. Heavenly Father hears my prayers.
We met with the infertility specialist on May 5th. He was so helpful, hopeful and optimistic. We talked about our history and he gave us instructions on what we need to do when my next period comes. I really appreciated that he was willing to push forward and not wait for anything but my period. So, when my period comes around (hopefully at the end of this month) during days 2-4, I will get blood work done, testing the thyroid stimulating hormone, prolactin and hemoglobin. I will also have a ovarian assessment report done, which tests the number or amount of eggs in my ovaries. Coulton will also have a semen analysis done. During these days, I will also have a vaginal ultrasound done to check on things in regards to my surgery. The specialist stated that because I had a large septum in my uterus, there is a good chance that the entire septum was not removed. The ultrasound will tell us if there is some remaining, and if so, I’ll have to have another surgery to remove the remainder.
During days 5-11 of my period, I will have a hysterosalpingogram done. This is an x-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. A dye is injected, allowing them to see inside. I will have to be sedated during the procedure, as the force of the dye coming out my fallopian tubes, which are the size of a strand of hair, can cause severe cramping. The specialist wants to do this x-ray to see if the endometriosis has caused any scar tissue and/or blockage in the fallopian tubes, making it impossible for the egg to be accessible. He mentioned that if there is blockage, most of the time the dye will clear them. I asked him what our step would be if they are blocked and the dye doesn't clear them up. IVF would be our next step.
So we wait, wait for my next period, then wait for results. Once the results get in, then we’ll go from there. I am so excited for these next steps and for some answers. Heavenly Father hears my prayers.
About a week ago, I became eligible to sign up for insurance through my fairly new employer. As I was talking to my mom and going over the different plan options and which would be best, we noticed one special thing that was covered in all of the offered plans- infertility. Heavenly Father hears my prayers.
So many friends have answered many of my prayers. One friend in my ward messaged me on May 7th and sent me a link to an infertility article and mentioned how it had brought her peace and comfort and thought I might like it. I asked her if they were dealing with infertility and she opened up to me and told me how they have been struggling to get pregnant now for a few months and how she’s afraid she might have endometriosis. We met up that evening for frozen yogurt and talked a few hours about the pain, heartbreak, and loneliness that comes from not being able to carry a little one of our own, and how baby showers and church are painful a lot of the time.
Another friend in my ward unexpectedly sent me a text on Tuesday, asked me how my appointment went with the specialist, then asked me if I had ever considered a surrogate mother. I told her that it had crossed my mind, but that it would probably be a last resort. She then, with all her kindness and Christ-like love, told me that if we could never physically have a baby, she would by my surrogate mother. Seriously, how did Coulton and I get blessed with such wonderful, selfless friends? Heavenly Father does hear my prayers.
A family member messaged me about a month ago and told me thank you. Thank you for being open about infertility because it had inspired her to post her story and ask for prayers on her behalf. She told me that it is nice to know that she is not the only one going through this.
For anyone reading this who might be going through something similar, you are not alone, it’s okay to be uncontrollably upset and angry, and most importantly, Heavenly Father does hear your prayers.
Mother’s Day sucked. The silence of my morning, as Coulton was at meetings, was a harsh reminder that I was not a mother, for a mother is someone who has little ones who call you “Mom.”
I have been working in the baptistry of the Rexburg temple on Wednesdays. This last week, I realized something. I’m sure Heavenly Father could simply say that baptisms could be done in bulk and they would be accepted, thus making the work go much faster. But He doesn't do that. The baptismal prayer is offered for each and every person. The baptism is performed individually for each and every person. Why? Because Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us and know us individually, each and every one of us. And that I am thankful for.
3 Nephi 17:21- “...and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them…”
But what I have found, at least for me, is although so many people are so kind to us, all I need is someone to take off their glasses too and sob with me. Someone to be pissed off at the world with me. Someone to be angry and sad and bitter with me. Yes, I know it'll all be alright and will all work out in the end. My faith has not been shaken and I have trust in the Lord's plan...but I can still be angry and sad and disappointed. This has been a lesson for me- when someone else is going through a difficult time, I should not reassure them that it will all be okay (most likely they already know that), rather I should weep with them.
