Faith In The Middle

After Coulton & I had our last ultrasound to detect my follicles back in August, we stopped to get breakfast at Einstein Bagels. We were so excited to take the trigger shot that night. After Coulton left me to go to work, he called me. Because we had recently been debating on whether or not we should start a business with LuLaRoe, he asked me to pray about it that day to know if we really should do it or not. I agreed I would. And I did; I offered a quiet prayer, asking if going with LuLaRoe was the right thing. Later that day, as I drove to buy my trigger shot from the pharmacy, my boss called me. He told me business was slow and that I was being laid off. Though I was in shock and became worried, I knew right then this was an answer to my morning prayer. Starting a business with LuLaRoe was the right thing.

After taking the trigger shot and doing the IUI procedure, we hoped more than ever before that it would work. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I took every precaution, treating my body as if it was already pregnant. I tried more than ever before to keep my hope and be patient. Every sign of my period came, but I was sure they were all pregnancy signs because surely it would work this time.

And just like every time before, my period came, while my family and Coulton and I were at the waterpark. Perfect.

August came and went, and when the time came to do the procedure again in September, I was in Utah without Coulton, so we had to wait until October to do anything. When October came, I had an overwhelming feeling that we should wait to do the procedures again, partly because we were still waiting to do LuLaRoe and finances were tight, but mostly because I felt we shouldn't.

And the feeling I had to wait was another answer to my prayers. Ever since I had my laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis 2 years ago, I have been having awful reactions about every 2 weeks. They come on suddenly, completely flush me out through diarrhea and vomiting, give me hives and make me extremely lightheaded. At first, I was told they were a reaction to the anesthesia, then told me they were possibly an allergic reaction to a certain dye in foods, and then was told they were connected to psychiatric issues. After not being able to get any answers or help, I just learned to live with the reactions.

Coulton matching with my LuLaRoe dress!

A month ago, I had a reaction one beautiful Sunday afternoon. We had just eaten dinner, and it came on all too suddenly. After extreme diarrhea and vomiting, I crawled into the bathtub with my church dress still on and begged Coulton to turn the cold water on, as my entire body was on fire. I was having a difficult time breathing and could no longer make it to the toilet. After I gained enough energy to get out of the tub, Coulton put his arms through mine and pulled me out. I laid on the cold tile bathroom floor for the next few hours, trying to get my breath back and singing hymns, as that was the only thing that kept me calm.

It was a more extreme reaction than I had in the past, and because we felt a true concern for my life, we knew we needed to see a specialist. We saw a gastroenterologist and after explaining what I have been experiencing, immediately he sent an order for a CT scan, a 24-hour urine test, a capsule endoscopy, a colonoscopy, & gastroscopy. Because we really need to figure out what is going on in this part of my body, our infertility procedures have been put on hold for a bit until we can tackle this issue. Currently, we are waiting for the results from some of these tests, and the colonoscopy & gastroscopy will be performed on Friday.

Lately, there have been no more tears to cry. Infertility has just become a way of life. I really have come to accept the idea that Coulton and I may never have children, but we are determined to do everything possible to try and have a baby.

My faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me is strengthened everyday. Does that faith make it easier? Certainly. Does it take the pain away? Never.

It really is amazing how Heavenly Father answers my prayers, and how His hand is literally guiding and directing my life. Just when I loose my job, He allows me something better and a way to gain support for our infertility- our new business "LuLaRoe for Infertility." Just when we are about to start another round of fertility procedures, He urges me to wait so that we can take care of a more pressing problem.

On Thursday, my youngest sister tagged me in this music video. I watched it. And I bawled. Then I watched it again, and bawled even more. Then I watched again, and cried so hard I felt my head was going to explode. I guess there were more tears to cry.

  

Life- what a wild adventure. And I am so thankful for it. It may not be easy, but it is oh so wonderful. Life may not be the way I wanted it to turn out, but I know with Him, it will turn out so much better. And if I have 'faith in the middle' of my trials, I know that, eventually, everything will be OK. And I am so, so, so thankful for all the love & support from so many people, especially since starting LuLaRoe, because you help me have that faith that is needed while I'm here in the 'middle.'