"Ask, and Ye Shall Receive"

At the doctor waiting for IUI procedure. 

It was February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. According to the doctor, everything lined up and was perfect. The FSH shots Coulton had given me every morning before he left for work for a week leading up to the procedure had worked. They had caused one of my follicles to mature, meaning that one egg was ready to be released from it. Coulton gave me the HcG trigger shot that Saturday before to force the egg to be released. Coulton gave his sample Monday morning and on Monday afternoon I went in to have the IUI procedure done. Both Coulton & I were beyond hopeful. My body was responding to the injections and the nurse injected 180 million healthy, fast swimming sperm directly into my uterus. I was put on progesterone to help thicken the lining of my uterus, making a healthy home for baby to implant.

The following two weeks after the procedure, we begged Heavenly Father. Lately at church, we've been focusing on "ask and ye shall receive." And I did just that. I asked Him specifically that this procedure would work, that my body would function properly, that Coulton & I would be blessed with a baby.

Coulton was sure it worked. He would hold me and kiss my belly, and have stern talks with the baby, telling him or her to be strong and to grow. Every day he would text me and ask me how I was feeling. When I told him I was crampy or my breasts were sore, he'd get excited and assure me they were signs. We talked about names for both genders, more of just confirming the names we had picked out 5 years ago.

My footsteps were very heavy & slow as I walked to the bathroom. Hoping that maybe, just maybe the wetness I felt was simply implantation bleeding, I knew. As the blood flowed into the toilet, the blood that was meant to grow our baby, I rested my head against the wall. "180 million of you and not one of you could find her," I whispered through my sobbing. Or maybe they did find her, but something else terrible happened. We will never know.

I sat in an empty bathtub with the water running when Coulton got home. This is always the worst part. He looked at me and as his smile diminished, he asked, "Did you start?" I just stared at him. "You're kidding, right?" He then sat next to the bathtub for the next 10 minutes without saying anything, staring at the ground.

That night, it was pouring rain as we sat outside listening to it and talking. "Babe, we may never be able to have a child." "You are right, we may never be able to," Coulton agreed. "But all you've wanted to be was a mother." And he cried, more than I have ever seen him cry before. It's one thing for me to feel my own heart ache, but to see my husband go through the same agony is just too much for me. "I'm done babe, we can't do this again. It's just too hard."

My mom & I after the temple.

The next day, Tuesday (just 2 days ago), as I sat in the temple, I had an overwhelming feeling over and over and over again, "Don't give up. Keep trying. Don't put it off." It was now day 2 of my cycle, and Doctor told me that if the procedure didn't work and we wanted to do it again, we would start injections on day 3. I had only a couple hours to decide what to do. I first called my husband, then the doctor to schedule an ultrasound for that day so that I could start injections the following morning.

"Really Tahshena? You're going to put yourself & your husband through that pain again? You really think it's going to work this time? Heavenly Father didn't answer or even hear your prayers last time. You're better off anyway without children; look at all the sleep and freedom you have. The whole faith & hope thing isn't working for you." Satan's whispers make this really difficult sometimes.

Roughly 24 hours earlier, I was praying that the cramping I was feeling was a pregnancy sign. Now I was driving to Scottsdale to have an ultrasound & get my next round of stronger injections. Why are we doing it again? Because we can't give up. We have to keep trying. How are we going to pay for another round? I have no idea. How does anyone deal with this? Lots of prayer & lots of tears.

"It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, move forward with faith and confidence in the future. 

The Lord will not forsake us." -Gordon B. Hinckley