I wanted the birth of our baby girl to be completely different than Kurt's, as his was a very traumatic experience for me. I have always believed birth to be a very sacred, special experience. Kurt's birth was not. During the 9 months I was pregnant with Evelyn, I did everything I knew possible to turn & keep her head down, as Kurt's birth resulted in a c-section because he was breech. I wanted a vaginal birth with our baby girl, and I did my best to make that possible.
I also believe that babies should come naturally, so I waited for the contractions to start. Saturday morning, at 4am, I woke up to fairly strong contractions which kept me awake for the rest of the sleeping hours. That day, they came and went, but none close enough to send us to the hospital.
Saturday night, the contractions were strong enough they prevented me from sleeping. I laid in bed, trying to fall asleep, but every time I would doze off, another one would come. I decided to go downstairs and watch TV to try and keep my mind preoccupied. I turned on A Walk to Remember, now 5am, not really watching much of it, as the contractions were too strong.
It was now Sunday, and I hadn't slept for over 24 hours. I was exhausted. But the contractions kept coming strong enough to prevent me from taking a nap. My mom took Kurt to church, and Coulton & I relaxed together. We had a nice afternoon, working together through each contraction, keeping track when they were coming, but they still weren't consistent enough to take us to the hospital.
We played games and FaceTimed some of our family members, trying to keep me calm and occupied. But around 5pm, they started getting stronger and closer together. This was it! Because I was trying a vaginal birth after a c-section, the triage nurse wanted me to come in right away.
I was 2cm when I was first checked. Only a 2?! And I had been contracting for days now. The nurse asked us to walk around the hallways for an hour, and if I progressed within that time, they would let me stay. After the hour, I was then 4cm. Yay! We got checked into our labor and delivery room and got all set up.
I then used all my hypnobirthing techniques I had learned and practiced for months. I was excited to have a calm, controlled, med-free birth for my baby girl. We dimmed the lights, set up tea lights, turned on my hypnoses music, started the essential oil diffuser, and were ready to go!
It was now 3am, Monday morning, 48 hours without sleep. Now not only was my body beyond exhausted, but my mind was. I would drift into a strange "sleep" in between contractions, which made me feel worse. At this point, however, I had stopped progressing. I was only having contractions every 15-20 minutes. The nurse encouraged me to sit on the toilet and to try side lunges to try and get my contractions going again, but nothing worked. She told me normally they would send me home at this point, but because doctor had broken my water at the beginning, baby had to be born.
She offered me Pitocin. I really didn't want it, and powering through contractions with Pitocin and without pain medicine made me nervous, but I was so far beyond exhausted, that I needed her to be born. My doctor okayed the Pitocin, as it can be a cause of concern for my c-section scar- the strong contractions can cause to much pressure and rupture the scar.
Everything is very blurry from here on out. I remember the nurse putting the Pitocin in my IV. I remember eating a thing of red Jello. I remember sitting on a birthing ball. I remember Coulton playing Taylor Swift on our portable speaker. I remember being nervous right before each contraction would come because they were so excruciatingly painful. I remember throwing up. I remember grabbing the nurses fingers and begging her to help me. I remember moaning out so loud, I was sure floors below us heard. I remember both the nurse and Coulton telling me I needed to calm down, to breath and to stop clenching the bed rails. I remember being so out of control. I remember thinking that this is not what I expected, not how I wanted this birth to go. But everything in between all of that, I don't remember, most everything is foggy.
However, I do remember deciding I wanted an epidural. And now! I could not relax, my body and mind were freaking out- literally, and I was scared. I turned to Coulton and told him "I know what I said, I know I made you promise me to not let me get an epidural, no matter what happened, but I need it! I need it! Please babe! Please! HELP ME!! PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP ME!" Coulton just looked at me and calmlyshook his head no. (We had many previous conversations where I told him that no matter what happened, I did not want pain medication.)
The doctor came in and checked baby. She was not in the right position, she needed to be turned a bit in order for her to come down completely. They had me lay a certain way on the bed to try and help her get in position. My doctor told me that I needed to calm down & relax, otherwise I could cause rupture to my scar and she would never be able to come completely down into the birth canal. How could I calm down? I was in so much pain, I hadn't slept now in over 48 hours, my body & mind were actually going into panic mode, and you want me to calm down? He must have read my thoughts, because at that moment, he said "she needs an epidural." I looked at Coulton and gave him a begging look. He couldn't deal with it and had to walk away, as he knew it would disappoint me. I felt so bad for the position that I was putting him in, but I looked at the nurse and basically yelled at her to get me the epidural. They checked my progress, I was 9cm, almost there and I wanted at least some relief before she was born so I could remember actually giving birth to her.
A guy came in, had me sit up, I felt a pinch and a few minutes later, I could finally breathe. I finally realized who I was, where I was and what was happening. The shock and pain I was previously going through was preventing me from experiencing anything. How grateful I am for that relief! And grateful my husband was willing to change his mind. He told me later that when the doctor said I needed it, he felt better about me having the epidural. It was almost necessary for my sanity and for our baby, not just the pain relief.
Minutes later, my legs were up and I was pushing. I pushed for about 45 minutes and our sweet, healthy baby girl was born at 9:57am Monday morning. I could still feel every contraction, I could feel her head in the birth canal, I felt her be born. I was worried that the epidural would take all that feeling away, but it only took the edge off, and for that, I am so grateful! I hadn't previously wanted any pain meds because I wanted to experience all of that.
Goodness, the birth of both our children has not been what I had planned or expected or wanted, but they have both been healthy and happy, and that is what is most important.
The birth of my babies have been sacred, special experiences, but the moments leading up to the birth have been hard, scary, different from what I had expected, painful and traumatic. And I have learned it's those moments that have made me stronger and increased my love for my babies.
"What we obtain to cheap, we esteem too lightly." -Thomas Paine
