Smoke

It makes so much sense to me now. I'm sure there were many reasons Eve partook of the fruit, but in my opinion, she ate it because of her longing for children. 

My infertility doctor's office

The surgery to remove the remainder of the septum went well; Dr. Heiner said that I still had a 'significant' amount remaining that they removed. I'm thankful that is all taken care of (hopefully).

To the nurse's surprise, I started my period on time on my own after the surgery. I was then put on Femara, a medicine to induce ovulation. I took that for 5 days. Both Coulton and I were excited to start taking the ovulation tests on day 10. Coulton kindly put the tests on the toilet so I would remember. I'm so grateful for him...


On day 14, like clockwork, the ovulation test came back positive with a little smiley face. I was so excited! I couldn't stop hopping around the apartment, so excited that I actually ovulated. I hurried and called my OB to schedule the IUI for the following day.

We were both excited! I had an IUI done about a year and a half ago, but I was not on medicine at the time and I hadn't had any surgeries yet, so we were really hopeful for this one! Before they do the procedure, they allow us to see the sperm under a microscope. It gets me every time, just imaging that one of those little guys could be our baby.

The procedure is quite simple, and this time much less painful thanks to the 800mg of Ibuprofen. After we were finished, the doctor informed me to wait a week if I miss my period to take a test, just to be 100% sure. Thanksgiving. Waiting a week to take a pregnancy test would make it Thanksgiving morning. We were so EXCITED! What a great blessing that would be for our holiday! 

Then, the dreadful TWW (two week wait). I know and felt soooo many people praying and rooting for us. Coulton mentioned to me over and over his hopefulness and that he just KNEW that this was the month, so many things were right. Then, when I had my progesterone blood test done that informed me that I did indeed actually ovulate, we just knew! Ah, we couldn't wait!

About a week before my period was due, I had so many pregnancy signs. My breasts were extremely sore, I was so tired, and my cravings for pickles and McDonalds french fries were through the roof. I could hardly contain myself! I only had to wait a few more days, then I could justify taking a test.

Thursday came, day 28. No period. We were pregnant; I knew it. And with how much both Coulton and I prayed (begged, pleaded) to Heavenly Father, I just knew. That night, I went to Walmart to buy a pregnancy test so that I could take it the following morning. How am I going to announce it to Coulton? I have to do something cute! So I went down the greeting card isle thinking it would be cute and simple to give him a card that was "to daddy." I looked and looked for the perfect card. When I couldn't find one, I gripped the basket and said out loud, "Tahshena, you stupid girl. Why are you doing this to yourself?" I left the isle without a card.

I woke up at 2am that next morning, heart racing and in no way able to go back to sleep without taking a test. I quietly walked into the bathroom and took the test. Nervous to see the result, I sat there for a while. I finally looked at it, and initially didn't see anything, but after a while of looking at it and convincing my brain and my eyes, I saw a slight second line. Oh my goodness!! We are pregnant!! I was freaking out! And it took me the next 2 hours to fall back asleep. 

Friday morning, still no period. I woke up before Coulton and my heart was pounding!!! I had to take another test, sure the line would be stronger now. Then, nothing. No line, yet still no period. You stupid, dumb, cheap Walmart, pregnancy tests- you know nothing. I know I am pregnant, and a ridiculous test isn't going to tell me that I'm not. 

And then, I stood up. Why? WHY?!? I have had two surgeries now to remove endometriosis, the septum in my uterus, I am on a medication that helps me ovulate, we had the IUI where we flippin' put the sperm right next to the egg, I had a blood test that confirmed that I actually ovulated. BODY, WHAT MORE DO WE HAVE TO DO?!?!? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT??? THERE'S NOTHING MORE WE CAN DO! EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, THE STARS ALIGNED! 

Starting my period is an interesting, unexplainable thing for me. It's almost as if I walk into a different realm, filled with black smoke where I can't see or breathe. At first, it's thick and dark, but the longer I walk through it, the more the smoke settles and I can slowly start to see and breathe again, but my lungs are still burned. 

Relief Society was located in the center of the smoke on Sunday. We spoke of having joy. The question was asked, "What are some difficult things in life?" One answer- "having a baby." The teacher asked rhetorically- "Is it hard to have a baby?" and all the mothers in unison spoke, "Yes!!" The smoke was so thick, all I could do was stare at the patterns in the carpet. 

However, as I feel my life is in burning flames, there are so many firefighters who pull me out of the smoke. We have had many people message us, telling us of their concerns and thoughts and prayers on our behalf. Many pies, cookies, cupcakes, flowers, and notes. I am grateful for you. And although you don't put the fire out, you pull me out of the smoke long enough to be able to see and breathe again, if just for a moment. 

Femara again, then ovulation tests, then another IUI, then another blood test, then maybe another stupid, dumb, cheap Walmart pregnancy test. Another blazing fire we must crawl through, but we'll crawl through it together. Together as husband and wife, together with family and friends, with prayers and hope, and most importantly, our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.