God's Plan

People have always asked us “are you going to have to do IVF again? Are you guys planning on having more children?” Coulton & I decided that once Kurt was close to 2, we would try for 4-5 months and if we were unable to get pregnant naturally, we would do IVF again. There were also times I felt that Kurt was all I ever needed and how dare I ask for another when I had been so blessed with what I had. 

In the spring of last year, I decided to stop taking birth control. I did not like the side effects of it and questioned why I was taking the pill anyway, as we would never be able to get pregnant on our own. 

When Coulton & I got off birth control back in 2011 when we first started trying to get pregnant, I kept track of everything. My body temperature, mucus, ovulation, period, intercourse, everything. This time, I knew that keeping track of anything wasn’t going to matter. We would never be able to get pregnant on our own. 

So not knowing or remembering when my last period was, when I started to feel nauseous, I wondered why I was feeling so awful. Monday I ate an entire pizza for lunch and didn’t feel well. I thought it was because I had just eaten an entire pizza. I had no energy and would take long naps while Kurt slept. I was getting concerned. I kept telling Coulton that I didn’t feel well. He would ask me what was wrong and the only way to explain to him how I felt was “I don’t really know, but I haven’t felt like this since I was pregnant with Kurt.” But I thought it was really weird that I would feel similar to when I was pregnant without being pregnant, because we would never be able to get pregnant on our own. 

It was Wednesday now. “I really don’t feel well,” I would keep telling Coulton. “Something is wrong, maybe I should see a doctor.” Coulton suggested that I take a pregnancy test to just rule that out. He honestly upset me when he mentioned that. Why would I take a pregnancy test? Waste of time, waste of money, waste of hope. I rolled my eyes at him and said that if I didn’t feel better by Friday, I was going to call the doctor. 

We went to the store on Thursday evening, November 21st. I went down the stupid aisle with the stupid pregnancy tests and spent a stupid $7 on the cheapest one. I was mad with myself that I would even let myself go there, that I would even think there was some possibility I might be pregnant. Stupid. 

When we got home, I went into the bathroom to take the test, not in excitement, but to get it over with so I could throw it away and call my doctor the next day to make an appointment. I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes and shaking my head as I peed on the test. 

Positive. This test was different than others I had used in the past. The results read differently than what I was used to. I read the instructions again. Positive. Nope, my eyes were deceiving me. Positive. I blinked hard and tried to focus. Still positive. I looked up at Kurt, who was playing in the bathroom cabinet next to me. I just stared at him, my eyes wide. My breathing became really heavy. “What the heck?” I said to him.

I grabbed Kurt and we went downstairs to the garage where Coulton was nonchalantly polishing our car’s headlights. Kurt handed him the pregnancy test and I think he had to blink hard a few times too. 

Coulton and I are so excited and grateful to announce that we are expecting a baby in July! And along with that excitement comes absolute shock and serious disbelief. I have thought about writing this post for weeks now, and am still unable to explain how it feels to have tried to get pregnant naturally for over 6 years, never being successful, doing IVF to get our miracle boy, then getting pregnant so naturally so effortlessly. It almost seems unfair. But to who? Me? To Kurt?

I have had so many mixed feelings, as if I am being kicked out of the infertility world. Most people would argue that’s a good thing, right? It should be, but I feel like that’s where I belonged, that’s where all my feelings and heartache and learning came from. That’s where I lived for so long, that’s where I received support and was able to offer support. 

Will I love this baby less than Kurt because I didn’t have to try and work and cry to get pregnant? Or will I love it more than Kurt because it came the way it was supposed to, naturally just between Coulton and me? I know and understand this is not how love works, especially with our children. I am just simply sharing a few of my thoughts I have had to wade through the last couple of months.

I told Coulton I didn’t want to announce to the social world that we were pregnant because I remember all to well how I felt when I would read pregnancy announcements. To those who are reading this who ache because of infertility, my heart is with you. 

But I know I didn’t want to keep it to myself, as this is indeed an exciting and thrilling time for our family. I knew it before, but now I know more than ever that God’s timing and plan for me are impeccable, full of miracles and downright mind-boggling.

Our Birth Story

I have decided to record Kurt's birth story instead of writing it.

7 Years

Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. It is also week 38 of our pregnancy. Both of which have simply flown by. I never would have thought that 7 years from our wedding day we would be where we are now.

On May 5th, we had our baby shower. My mom, sisters and close friends helped throw it for Coulton and me. It was such a beautiful celebration, a day that I have been dreaming of for a very long time, long before I was married. Many family and friends came, men and women, and showed us so much love and support. After a few years of trying to get pregnant, I told myself that Coulton would be a part of the baby shower celebration if we ever had one; I couldn't dare leave him out of such a wonderful time after he had been through the same heartache and struggle.

Just days after our baby shower, we packed up and moved to Boise, Idaho for a job Coulton received. There have been many things that I have learned during our trials, but if one thing's for sure- Heavenly Father's hand is in every aspect of our lives and he cares about every detail. By us moving to Idaho and Coulton receiving this work position, I am going to be able to stay home and care for our baby. This has always been a dream and a goal of mine and we are so thankful.


As I flew away on an airplane from Phoenix to Boise, I couldn't help but think about the many people who showed us so much love, compassion and support in the 2 life changing years we lived there. I also waved goodbye to our 4 strong frozen embryos that are waiting for us should we not be able to get pregnant again on our own. Phoenix was just a stop on the way to where we were going, but we are eternally indebted to so many people who changed our lives forever.


Boise is home to us now. We absolutely love it here! As we celebrated our anniversary yesterday exploring a small town in western Idaho, Coulton and I mentioned all the fun things that we are going to be able to do with our son once he's here- camping, fishing, hiking, swimming, rafting, hunting. Everything we did, we mentioned how much fun it will be once he's here and we can include him in on our adventures.

A couple of weeks ago, I cried to Coulton that I didn't want to have our baby so soon. I wanted to be pregnant longer. I have this worry that I may never be pregnant again, that this might be the only time it happens for us and I didn't want it to be over. Just days after feeling this way, baby boy must have grew a lot because I became very uncomfortable, not being able to breathe or sit or stand or sleep or bend over or lie down. I think our son was telling me, "Mommy, you do want me to come, right? I want to be with you and Daddy. Here, I'll show you." So yes, now I certainly want him here. But that fear still lingers in my mind that it may never happen for us again, so I am trying to soak in every second I have with him inside of me, trying to remember every special moment.

Here's to another year of eternity with my husband and to waiting 2-3 more weeks for our sweet miracle baby! Goodness, gracious does God have perfect timing. Sometimes, I have to look back into the past to realize that He has answered my prayers. But He has answered them. Always. In His time. In His way. Over the last 7 years, I've rarely been happy about His time or His way, but looking back now, I wouldn't change one single aspect of this terrible trial of infertility.

Marvelous in Our Eyes

From the Book of Mormon- Mormon, Chapter 9

15 ...and God has not ceased to be a God of miracles.

16 Behold, are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?

Every time I feel our baby move, every time I walk past a mirror (or a shiny car, or an oven door, or a window- anything that shows my reflection), every time I drive by the I-51 (the 15 miles of highway that led us to our IVF doctor), every time I buy a new blue onesie (because I simply could not resist), every time I open the fridge that still has a shelf full of shots we didn't have to use, every time I stop in my tracks and shake my head still unable to comprehend that I have a precious baby growing inside of me, every grateful prayer offered, I am more and more certain that Moroni was right- God indeed has NOT ceased to be a God of miracles. And we have proof- 

Our baby boy at 5 days old.

Our baby boy at 21 weeks old.

Me holding our Miracle.

I literally cannot comprehend these marvelous works of God, but we are sure grateful for them.

Who will You be?

Our dearest Son,

I hope you have some inkling of how much Daddy & Mommy love you, because our hearts could burst for you. When we found out you were a little boy last Friday, we were so surprised and so, so happy! I can't believe a little boy is growing inside of me. 

Do you remember that you were the strongest one, son? You made it through the doctor probing and prodding at you, then freezing you for 2 months, then thawing you, then probing and prodding at you some more. And you are the one who found your way through Mommy's uterus to find your temporary home. Thank you honey, thank you for being so strong. 

Daddy & Mommy ponder who you will be when you get here to earth. You will probably like trucks and balls and farm animals. You will probably like skateboards and snowboards and hunting. I think about your teenage years- prom, driving, dating, seminary, passing the sacrament. Daddy mentioned that he's looking forward to helping you get your Eagle Scout. I've already had a ting of pain thinking about sending you away on your mission. Where will you serve? I think about your wedding day. Who will you marry?

Never forget that Daddy & Mommy have loved you from the very first day when the nurse told us they were able to retrieve 26 eggs from Mommy's ovaries. You were 1 of those 26. You, our little 5 inch miracle. Our little boy who wiggles around so much during every ultrasound. You, who has little arms and legs, and a spine and a strong heartbeat.

Mommy can't fit into any of her pants anymore. Every time the nurse takes my weight, she mumbles "this is always the worst part, the part every woman hates..." No, this is not the worst part. I love this part. Weight means you're growing. Weight means that everything Daddy & Mommy have gone through the past 6 1/2 years for you has worked. When the nurse had to knock the scale up to the next notch, I couldn't help but smile. Weight means you are here, you are real, you are ours. You are our little growing boy.

Sweet baby boy, know that Daddy & Mommy pray for you every day. We read and sing to you. Mommy worries so much for you. Please keep growing. Stay strong. For now, stay snug deep down inside of Mommy, who loves you more than you will ever comprehend. 

Love,

Daddy & Mommy

6 More Months

To our little 3-inch miracle,

You made it to the second trimester! Daddy & Mommy are so proud of you and we love you more and more every day. 

Mommy has been very sick, throwing up multiple times a day. But you are so worth it sweetie! You would be surprised if you knew how often Mommy used to pray that I’d be sick if it meant I was pregnant. (But maybe you did hear those prayers...?)

Daddy picks up a lot of my slack- always doing the dishes and laundry and running to the store. He’s already the best Daddy!

Yesterday he said, “Babe, 6 more months!” 6 more months of growing. 6 more months of checkups and ultrasounds. 6 more months of planning. 6 more months of Daddy & Mommy praying that you’ll make here safe and sound.  Is this real?? The last 6 years of extreme depression, heartache, hope & faith are coming down to these next 6 months.

It hurts Mommy to post this because I know there are women reading it who are hurting because of their own infertility. But so many people are wondering about you. I never know the right thing to do…

Love you a million times over,
Daddy & Mommy

P.S. You have the cutest little bum!

To Our Wee One

Our dearest 5 week embryo,

We can't believe you're here. We can't believe you are growing inside of me. Do you know how much we have longed for you? Do you know how much we love your sweet little 5 week body?

Grandma's past OBGYN spoke with Mommy about our situation months ago, and he recommended that we start IVF. He said that since we had 5 failed IUIs to try and get you, that IVF was our only option. Mommy took that to heart, little one. She talked to Daddy and we prayed and prayed about it, and knew the doctor was right.

That week, Mommy made an appointment with our IVF doctor. He told us everything it was going to take for us to get pregnant with you. We were scared but so excited. So excited to be moving forward with something that might give us you.

Mommy started injections. Daddy gave me 3 shots in my tummy everyday for about 2 weeks. They hurt, but I thought of you during every shot.

Mommy after your egg was retrieved

They then put Mommy under once the follicle you were growing in grew large enough. Once the anesthesia wore off, I asked the nurse how many eggs they were able to retrieve. 26. My sweetheart, you were one of those 26.

Daddy's sperm then created the other half of you and you grew. You grew and grew for 5 days. The embryologist called Mommy and told me you were the best blastocyst, grade A. You were so strong from the very beginning! She then froze you.

After each doctor appointment and ultrasound, as Mommy drove away from the office, I thought of you and was sad to leave you, stuck in that dark, cold freezer, but knew that's where you had to stay to survive.

As Mommy took lots and lots of medication to grow a home for you, you stayed frozen. After 2 very long months, I was finally ready for you. The embryologist thawed you and Mommy prayed that you would be able to survive the thaw. And you did! Doctor put you in a little tube, then put your sweet little self into Mommy's uterus.

For 3 days after you were put inside of me, I laid in bed only to go potty. I didn't want to do anything that might harm you. We prayed that you would find my 7mm uterine lining and burrow yourself into it so you could continue to grow. And you did!

Daddy and Mommy didn't know it until over a week later. I went back to the doctor's office where you once lived and the nurse drew my blood. They tested it for the hCG pregnancy hormone, the hormone you release telling Mommy's body she's pregnant.

Your Aunt Kenna!

Friday was a long day for Daddy and Mommy, as we waited for our doctor to call to tell us if you survived or not. He finally called and told us Mommy's hCG levels were very high, we were pregnant. You had found your way through Mommy's dark uterus and had found a place to grow. We were so shocked little one! I kept running around the house saying "Oh my goodness! I can't believe it. I can't believe it!"

Mommy cried a lot, sobbing. Daddy even shed lots of tears. We told all of your grandparents and aunts and uncles and they are so excited for you! Mommy even woke up one of your sweet cousins to tell her we were going to have a baby. We all can't wait to meet you!

You at 5 days old after the thaw

Daddy rubs Mommy's tummy a lot, touching the area where you are growing. Mommy reads you books. We pray for you multiple times a day, but more so we thank our Heavenly Father for letting us be a part of one of His miracles. Mommy worries over any weird feeling experienced. I've taken 4 pregnancy tests just to make sure. We look at your 5 day old blastocyst picture all the time. And most importantly, Mommy takes estrogen and progesterone medicine 3 times a day, every day just for you. I pray it keeps you healthy and snug.

We love you more than you know, sweet baby. We are beyond excited and hopeful for you. Every tear, injection, medication, ultrasound, and penny was oh so worth it. We wouldn't change the past 6 years for anything. You are finally ours.

Now please, stay with us.



With all the love we have,

Daddy & Mommy