Faith In The Middle

After Coulton & I had our last ultrasound to detect my follicles back in August, we stopped to get breakfast at Einstein Bagels. We were so excited to take the trigger shot that night. After Coulton left me to go to work, he called me. Because we had recently been debating on whether or not we should start a business with LuLaRoe, he asked me to pray about it that day to know if we really should do it or not. I agreed I would. And I did; I offered a quiet prayer, asking if going with LuLaRoe was the right thing. Later that day, as I drove to buy my trigger shot from the pharmacy, my boss called me. He told me business was slow and that I was being laid off. Though I was in shock and became worried, I knew right then this was an answer to my morning prayer. Starting a business with LuLaRoe was the right thing.

After taking the trigger shot and doing the IUI procedure, we hoped more than ever before that it would work. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I took every precaution, treating my body as if it was already pregnant. I tried more than ever before to keep my hope and be patient. Every sign of my period came, but I was sure they were all pregnancy signs because surely it would work this time.

And just like every time before, my period came, while my family and Coulton and I were at the waterpark. Perfect.

August came and went, and when the time came to do the procedure again in September, I was in Utah without Coulton, so we had to wait until October to do anything. When October came, I had an overwhelming feeling that we should wait to do the procedures again, partly because we were still waiting to do LuLaRoe and finances were tight, but mostly because I felt we shouldn't.

And the feeling I had to wait was another answer to my prayers. Ever since I had my laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis 2 years ago, I have been having awful reactions about every 2 weeks. They come on suddenly, completely flush me out through diarrhea and vomiting, give me hives and make me extremely lightheaded. At first, I was told they were a reaction to the anesthesia, then told me they were possibly an allergic reaction to a certain dye in foods, and then was told they were connected to psychiatric issues. After not being able to get any answers or help, I just learned to live with the reactions.

Coulton matching with my LuLaRoe dress!

A month ago, I had a reaction one beautiful Sunday afternoon. We had just eaten dinner, and it came on all too suddenly. After extreme diarrhea and vomiting, I crawled into the bathtub with my church dress still on and begged Coulton to turn the cold water on, as my entire body was on fire. I was having a difficult time breathing and could no longer make it to the toilet. After I gained enough energy to get out of the tub, Coulton put his arms through mine and pulled me out. I laid on the cold tile bathroom floor for the next few hours, trying to get my breath back and singing hymns, as that was the only thing that kept me calm.

It was a more extreme reaction than I had in the past, and because we felt a true concern for my life, we knew we needed to see a specialist. We saw a gastroenterologist and after explaining what I have been experiencing, immediately he sent an order for a CT scan, a 24-hour urine test, a capsule endoscopy, a colonoscopy, & gastroscopy. Because we really need to figure out what is going on in this part of my body, our infertility procedures have been put on hold for a bit until we can tackle this issue. Currently, we are waiting for the results from some of these tests, and the colonoscopy & gastroscopy will be performed on Friday.

Lately, there have been no more tears to cry. Infertility has just become a way of life. I really have come to accept the idea that Coulton and I may never have children, but we are determined to do everything possible to try and have a baby.

My faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me is strengthened everyday. Does that faith make it easier? Certainly. Does it take the pain away? Never.

It really is amazing how Heavenly Father answers my prayers, and how His hand is literally guiding and directing my life. Just when I loose my job, He allows me something better and a way to gain support for our infertility- our new business "LuLaRoe for Infertility." Just when we are about to start another round of fertility procedures, He urges me to wait so that we can take care of a more pressing problem.

On Thursday, my youngest sister tagged me in this music video. I watched it. And I bawled. Then I watched it again, and bawled even more. Then I watched again, and cried so hard I felt my head was going to explode. I guess there were more tears to cry.

  

Life- what a wild adventure. And I am so thankful for it. It may not be easy, but it is oh so wonderful. Life may not be the way I wanted it to turn out, but I know with Him, it will turn out so much better. And if I have 'faith in the middle' of my trials, I know that, eventually, everything will be OK. And I am so, so, so thankful for all the love & support from so many people, especially since starting LuLaRoe, because you help me have that faith that is needed while I'm here in the 'middle.'

Step by Step

Moving to Phoenix forced us to find a new fertility doctor. After searching and receiving multiple recommendations, we had our initial consultation with Dr. Troche. We loved him from the beginning and he definitely didn't want to mess around or waste any time. He informed me to wait for my next period, then we would do a list of things. My period inconveniently came around a time when we were going to be traveling out of State, so I had to wait until the following month. My period never came again, strangely enough. I was then put on Provera, which forced my period to start 2 weeks later. I then took Femara days 5-9 of my period, which causes the follicles in my ovaries to mature. 

Maturing follicle (the black circle)

A transvaginal ultrasound was then done on day 12, which was just this past Thursday. Coulton and I were beyond excited to go to this appointment. This ultrasound was to verify that follicles in my ovaries were actually maturing. 


As she was searching for and measuring the follicles, the Spirit was strong in the room. I had this overwhelming sense of my children in the room, as if they were standing behind the bed, comforting me. The doctor found 2 close-to-mature follicles on each side, telling us that they would be mature that evening. Yippee!! We were so excited! 

We were then instructed to take a trigger shot that evening at exactly 9pm, once the follicles would be mature. The trigger shot is an hCG injection which triggers ovulation and egg release. We were at my brother and sister-in-law's house for a birthday get-together. Because we had to do it at exactly 9pm, we had no choice but to sneak away into their spare bedroom and inject the shot, which goes into the abdomen. I was so nervous, but so excited! This was such an exciting next step, and we are so hopeful that these new procedures will bring new outcomes. 

Waiting 15 minutes after the sperm is injected.

Exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot is injected, the IUI (when the sperm is washed and then placed inside the uterus) must be performed. So, yesterday morning at 9am, after Coulton's sperm had been collected, all of our potential little babies were placed directly in me. 


And now we wait. And now we do everything we can, spiritually and physically, to allow and make this work, while always remembering and having hope in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. And THAT is the hardest thing ever. 

"...ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you." -Alma 32:43

A Loss

I'm at a loss.

A loss for how to react when I find out that another friend is having her second baby.

A loss for how to deal with another month gone by with no hope, making it a total of 56 hopeless months now.

A loss for what to do when everyone else is so busy with their little ones and having play dates and bedtime schedules. 

A loss for how to hold back my tears when everyone loves the baby, but kicks my puppy out because she stinks and bites.

A loss for what to say when another person suggests that we should just adopt. 

A loss for how to act like it's no big deal when someone asks, "You have three kids now, right?!" "Nope, that's my brother."

A loss for how to learn to deal with another childless Mother's Day.

A loss for how to fake a "thank you" when even my hygienist, after asking me if I had any kids, reassures me that I'm still young and that it'll all work out. (Am I wearing a sign on my forehead that reads CAN'T HAVE KIDS. GIVE ME YOUR CONDOLENCES...?)

A loss for how to handle the loneliness I feel. 

A loss for what it would be like to have a little girl who wants me to put pigtails in her hair, or a boy Coulton can throw a ball to, or children I could take swimming in the hot Arizona heat on a Tuesday afternoon. 

Not being able to have a baby is one giant, gaping loss. 


I'm also at a loss for fully comprehending Heavenly Father's love for me- I'm just one girl out of a trillion people, yet He loves me personally.

A loss for completely making sense of the Atonement- that the Savior knows exactly how I feel.

A loss at being able to explain the love I have for my unborn children. I think it's that love I have for them that causes me so much pain and heartache. 

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief..."   –Hilary Stanton Zunin

Can't Stop Trying

Elder Rasband, an apostle of Jesus Christ for my church came and spoke to us a couple of weeks ago. He shared so many wonderful insights, but the one that stuck out to me most was "failure in the home happens when we stop trying." I am so glad Coulton and I decided to keep trying, to keep pushing forward in trying to have a baby.

On Sunday, both Coulton and I were able to be a part of our ward council since it was ward conference. We met with our wonderful stake presidency. After some training, our stake president spoke up and said that the spirit had prompted him to share something. He was very hesitant to share it and kept beating around the bush, but finally said "I feel like I should share with you the idea that you should not wait to have children. You should not wait until you are done with school or financially stable. They will bring joy into your life. Don't wait." Once my tears turned into sobbing, I took my glasses off and as discretely as I could, buried my head in my hands and then into Coulton's shoulder. Man, was I thankful he was there. President was aware of our situation, thus making him hesitate to share what he did.  I was glad he shared what he was prompted to, but words like that make me feel so...confused? Through multiple servants of the Lord, we have been asked that we not wait to have children, to "let the children come." We are doing everything to obey that. What am I doing wrong!?!?

So many people are so kind to us, asking how we are doing, what our next steps are, reminding me that I am still young and have plenty of life ahead of me to have children, telling me stories of friends and family who also can't have children, telling me to adopt, and reassuring me that it's all in the Lord's time. To all of you, thank you.

But what I have found, at least for me, is although so many people are so kind to us, all I need is someone to take off their glasses too and sob with me. Someone to be pissed off at the world with me. Someone to be angry and sad and bitter with me. Yes, I know it'll all be alright and will all work out in the end. My faith has not been shaken and I have trust in the Lord's plan...but I can still be angry and sad and disappointed. This has been a lesson for me- when someone else is going through a difficult time, I should not reassure them that it will all be okay (most likely they already know that), rather I should weep with them.

As shared in my last blog post, our next steps were to do the injections with the IUI for four cycles. Well...my last period was exceptionally painful. This pain reminded me of how they used to feel before I had the endometriosis removed. I told my infertility specialist this and he said "Well, endometriosis usually comes back after a year of it being removed, so you are due for another surgery to remove it again anyway." So instead of doing injections right away, another surgery will be scheduled to remove the endometriosis before we proceed. We really can't get a break... However, I am so thankful for the lesson I've learned in patience...but.. does someone want to weep with me right now?

"...there was only one set of footprints."

"Babe, I hate this." "Hate what?" Coulton asked. "Not having any close friends who are going through the same thing as me." "I'm going through the same thing babe," he said. We got tears in our eyes and held each other's hand for a while. He is right. He is my best, closest friend, and he is going through the same thing I am. What a blessing and awful thing that is. 

I've been thinking about the "Footprints in the Sand" poem a lot lately. Over the last 2 months, especially during Christmas, there have only been one set of footprints in my sand. The Savior has not been walking next me, He has literally been carrying me. I have felt an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort that I know can only come from Him. Trust me- there is nothing in this worldly life that could ever give me this kind of peace during such a horrible time. After such an infernal November, I am eternally grateful my Savior picked me up and carried me. 

After feeling so much peace, we felt as if we should take a break from medicine, ultrasounds, procedures and tests. But as we thought and prayed about it, we felt like that wasn't right. We must keep trying. We must keep moving forward. So... I will have a saline sonogram done after my next period to make sure that my uterus is clear and free of any scar tissue from my last surgery. After which, if all looks good, we will do 4 more rounds of Femara, FSH injections (shots that cause more than one egg to become mature), a trigger shot (which forces the eggs to be released), and an IUI. If all 4 rounds fail, then we will do IVF. 

"It will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future." -Gordon B. Hinckley 

Smoke

It makes so much sense to me now. I'm sure there were many reasons Eve partook of the fruit, but in my opinion, she ate it because of her longing for children. 

My infertility doctor's office

The surgery to remove the remainder of the septum went well; Dr. Heiner said that I still had a 'significant' amount remaining that they removed. I'm thankful that is all taken care of (hopefully).

To the nurse's surprise, I started my period on time on my own after the surgery. I was then put on Femara, a medicine to induce ovulation. I took that for 5 days. Both Coulton and I were excited to start taking the ovulation tests on day 10. Coulton kindly put the tests on the toilet so I would remember. I'm so grateful for him...


On day 14, like clockwork, the ovulation test came back positive with a little smiley face. I was so excited! I couldn't stop hopping around the apartment, so excited that I actually ovulated. I hurried and called my OB to schedule the IUI for the following day.

We were both excited! I had an IUI done about a year and a half ago, but I was not on medicine at the time and I hadn't had any surgeries yet, so we were really hopeful for this one! Before they do the procedure, they allow us to see the sperm under a microscope. It gets me every time, just imaging that one of those little guys could be our baby.

The procedure is quite simple, and this time much less painful thanks to the 800mg of Ibuprofen. After we were finished, the doctor informed me to wait a week if I miss my period to take a test, just to be 100% sure. Thanksgiving. Waiting a week to take a pregnancy test would make it Thanksgiving morning. We were so EXCITED! What a great blessing that would be for our holiday! 

Then, the dreadful TWW (two week wait). I know and felt soooo many people praying and rooting for us. Coulton mentioned to me over and over his hopefulness and that he just KNEW that this was the month, so many things were right. Then, when I had my progesterone blood test done that informed me that I did indeed actually ovulate, we just knew! Ah, we couldn't wait!

About a week before my period was due, I had so many pregnancy signs. My breasts were extremely sore, I was so tired, and my cravings for pickles and McDonalds french fries were through the roof. I could hardly contain myself! I only had to wait a few more days, then I could justify taking a test.

Thursday came, day 28. No period. We were pregnant; I knew it. And with how much both Coulton and I prayed (begged, pleaded) to Heavenly Father, I just knew. That night, I went to Walmart to buy a pregnancy test so that I could take it the following morning. How am I going to announce it to Coulton? I have to do something cute! So I went down the greeting card isle thinking it would be cute and simple to give him a card that was "to daddy." I looked and looked for the perfect card. When I couldn't find one, I gripped the basket and said out loud, "Tahshena, you stupid girl. Why are you doing this to yourself?" I left the isle without a card.

I woke up at 2am that next morning, heart racing and in no way able to go back to sleep without taking a test. I quietly walked into the bathroom and took the test. Nervous to see the result, I sat there for a while. I finally looked at it, and initially didn't see anything, but after a while of looking at it and convincing my brain and my eyes, I saw a slight second line. Oh my goodness!! We are pregnant!! I was freaking out! And it took me the next 2 hours to fall back asleep. 

Friday morning, still no period. I woke up before Coulton and my heart was pounding!!! I had to take another test, sure the line would be stronger now. Then, nothing. No line, yet still no period. You stupid, dumb, cheap Walmart, pregnancy tests- you know nothing. I know I am pregnant, and a ridiculous test isn't going to tell me that I'm not. 

And then, I stood up. Why? WHY?!? I have had two surgeries now to remove endometriosis, the septum in my uterus, I am on a medication that helps me ovulate, we had the IUI where we flippin' put the sperm right next to the egg, I had a blood test that confirmed that I actually ovulated. BODY, WHAT MORE DO WE HAVE TO DO?!?!? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT??? THERE'S NOTHING MORE WE CAN DO! EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, THE STARS ALIGNED! 

Starting my period is an interesting, unexplainable thing for me. It's almost as if I walk into a different realm, filled with black smoke where I can't see or breathe. At first, it's thick and dark, but the longer I walk through it, the more the smoke settles and I can slowly start to see and breathe again, but my lungs are still burned. 

Relief Society was located in the center of the smoke on Sunday. We spoke of having joy. The question was asked, "What are some difficult things in life?" One answer- "having a baby." The teacher asked rhetorically- "Is it hard to have a baby?" and all the mothers in unison spoke, "Yes!!" The smoke was so thick, all I could do was stare at the patterns in the carpet. 

However, as I feel my life is in burning flames, there are so many firefighters who pull me out of the smoke. We have had many people message us, telling us of their concerns and thoughts and prayers on our behalf. Many pies, cookies, cupcakes, flowers, and notes. I am grateful for you. And although you don't put the fire out, you pull me out of the smoke long enough to be able to see and breathe again, if just for a moment. 

Femara again, then ovulation tests, then another IUI, then another blood test, then maybe another stupid, dumb, cheap Walmart pregnancy test. Another blazing fire we must crawl through, but we'll crawl through it together. Together as husband and wife, together with family and friends, with prayers and hope, and most importantly, our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

What Will it Matter?

I was supposed to start my period on the 13th of September, a Sunday. I am always regular, so when it didn't come, my mind and my heart started to wonder. Monday came and still nothing. Maybe? Maybe?! I took a test on Tuesday, negative. Wednesday and Thursday came and went and still no period. Maybe I got a false-negative test? Just maybe I did have a precious baby growing inside of me? Regardless, I prayed for him or her to grow strong and properly.

Friday came with no period, but I couldn't get myself to drive to Walmart and spend $15 on something I knew, just knew, would be a disappointment. So I had a nurse do it instead. As I waited in the doctor's office, I held on to a teeny tiny inclining of hope that maybe, just maybe, the nurse would look at me, with tears in her eyes, I am sure (because all the nurses know my situation) and show me that it was positive.

I peed in the cup then walked back to the waiting room. "What would I do if it was actually positive?" I thought. Seriously though, what would I do? Scream? Cry? (more like bawl my eyes out) Ask to do another test to be sure? What would I do? Rachael Ray's cooking show was playing on the TV in the corner of the room, and I tried to allow the cooking of the raw chicken consume my thoughts.

Then, through the frosty glass door, I saw the nurse walking toward me. She opened the door and asked me to come step in the hallway. She was holding the test when she looked at me and said, "Well Tahshena, we are only seeing one line. I'm sorry. If you still haven't started in two weeks, come back and we'll try again." I smiled the fakest smile, and thanked her. I smiled the fakest smile to the receptionist and told her to have a good day.

I cried, sobbed all the way home. I was so mad at myself to even think that maybe I was pregnant. Why would I even go to the extreme of going to the doctor to have them do a test?! It was hard enough having to tell myself that I wasn't pregnant, but why did I make someone else have to tell me? What was I thinking?! Did you actually think you were pregnant, Tahshena? The car is a good place to cry- you can be as loud as you want and you can play Taylor Swift as loud as you want to try and drown out the noise.

As I turned the corner to pull into the garage, I contained myself, gripping the steering wheel and said out loud, "Oh Tahshena, suck it up. You know how to deal with this. You've been doing it for 4 years. Seriously, suck it up. You're fine." I dried my eyes and walked inside.

My surgery to remove the remainder of my septum was scheduled for the middle of October. The surgery has to be performed between days 5-11 of my period, and because I'm always (usually) regular, I was able to schedule it for the following month. Well, this was throwing everything off. I called my infertility nurse, and she told me that if I haven't started by next Friday, to call her and she'd call in medication that would force me to start so that we could do the surgery as planned.

The following Monday, now September 21st, a week and a day late, still no period. Maybe the doctor's test was wrong too? Maybe my hCG levels were just really low and the tests couldn't detect it? That evening, Monday, Coulton and I rode our bikes to a yummy hamburger joint here in Rexburg. As we got closer to campus, there were students crossing the street. One of them recognized Coulton and walked over. He's an older student, probably in his late 30s, from Argentina. Coulton knew him from work and they chatted for a bit, mostly about school. Then all of the sudden, he looked to me, and asked, "Do you have children?" I responded with a half grin, "No." "Oh children are just wonderful," he said. "They bring so much joy and love. Really, you don't know love until you have a child. It's just something you can't experience until you have one of you own." Hey dude from Argentina, do you know something? Maybe I am pregnant? Who just randomly says that?

The next day, Tuesday, we had a Relief Society activity. I knew that the activity was going to consist of making emergency preparedness kits for our cars, mostly for the freezing winter months. What I didn't know was that Sister Eyring (President Eyring's daughter-in-law) was coming to speak to us about spiritual preparedness. She spoke about her experience of infertility and also her daughter's. I am amazed at how many women have also gone through this type of hell. I wanted to hug her and tell her I was sorry. What else is there to say? But her message was powerful and she reminded me, "It's all in the Lord's time and trials are here to strengthen us."

Wednesday. No period. Thursday morning, no period. I was now 11 days late. I was talking to my sister-in-law, telling her what was going on. My family was hoping just as much as I was. After I hung up with her, I stood up to go into the kitchen for a drink. And there it was. All at once. And for the next 4 days, it ate me from the inside out. Not only was my physical body in so much pain, but my heart hurt. I never cried, for my own pep talk to "suck it up" worked, but it still hurt.

Saturday night was the General Women's broadcast. Although I sat in the chapel with probably one hundred other girls, I felt as though President Uchtdorf was speaking directly to me, and only to me, when he said, (not directly, but from my own notes) "Even when things don't go right, we can focus on the wonders and miracles of life. We were created to have joy. Faith and hope give confidence that everything will make sense and all things will be made right. I have a choice- hang my head or have faith and be happy."

The infertility nurse was excited to hear that I started on my own, and suggested that we do the surgery during this period instead of waiting for my next one. So we scheduled it for Friday, October 2nd, in 3 days, almost one year to the day since my last surgery. I am really looking forward to it, and am so excited!

I am still holding onto the hope that what we are doing and what the doctors are doing will help us bring a baby, a little miracle, into our lives. But if not, I can focus on the wonders and the miracles of life that I've already been given.