A loss for how to react when I find out that another friend is having her second baby.
A loss for how to deal with another month gone by with no hope, making it a total of 56 hopeless months now.
A loss for what to do when everyone else is so busy with their little ones and having play dates and bedtime schedules.
A loss for how to hold back my tears when everyone loves the baby, but kicks my puppy out because she stinks and bites.
A loss for what to say when another person suggests that we should just adopt.
A loss for how to act like it's no big deal when someone asks, "You have three kids now, right?!" "Nope, that's my brother."
A loss for how to learn to deal with another childless Mother's Day.
A loss for how to fake a "thank you" when even my hygienist, after asking me if I had any kids, reassures me that I'm still young and that it'll all work out. (Am I wearing a sign on my forehead that reads CAN'T HAVE KIDS. GIVE ME YOUR CONDOLENCES...?)
A loss for how to handle the loneliness I feel.
A loss for what it would be like to have a little girl who wants me to put pigtails in her hair, or a boy Coulton can throw a ball to, or children I could take swimming in the hot Arizona heat on a Tuesday afternoon.
Not being able to have a baby is one giant, gaping loss.
I'm also at a loss for fully comprehending Heavenly Father's love for me- I'm just one girl out of a trillion people, yet He loves me personally.
A loss for completely making sense of the Atonement- that the Savior knows exactly how I feel.
A loss at being able to explain the love I have for my unborn children. I think it's that love I have for them that causes me so much pain and heartache.
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief..." –Hilary Stanton Zunin
Perfectly said. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis made my cry. I think of you often and pray desperately for you. I'm at a loss for words good enough to say, so I'll just say I love you and have faith in your strength.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tahshena. Today was one of those days for me and I kept wishing for someone to talk to who felt the same. I basically sent this same message to my husband today except I used frustrated and angry. I am not alone and you are not alone, although it sure feels like it.
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking of that saying about how insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results and I bet it was someone going through infertility that came up with it, because I sure feel insane sometimes. ;)
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