Can't Stop Trying

Elder Rasband, an apostle of Jesus Christ for my church came and spoke to us a couple of weeks ago. He shared so many wonderful insights, but the one that stuck out to me most was "failure in the home happens when we stop trying." I am so glad Coulton and I decided to keep trying, to keep pushing forward in trying to have a baby.

On Sunday, both Coulton and I were able to be a part of our ward council since it was ward conference. We met with our wonderful stake presidency. After some training, our stake president spoke up and said that the spirit had prompted him to share something. He was very hesitant to share it and kept beating around the bush, but finally said "I feel like I should share with you the idea that you should not wait to have children. You should not wait until you are done with school or financially stable. They will bring joy into your life. Don't wait." Once my tears turned into sobbing, I took my glasses off and as discretely as I could, buried my head in my hands and then into Coulton's shoulder. Man, was I thankful he was there. President was aware of our situation, thus making him hesitate to share what he did.  I was glad he shared what he was prompted to, but words like that make me feel so...confused? Through multiple servants of the Lord, we have been asked that we not wait to have children, to "let the children come." We are doing everything to obey that. What am I doing wrong!?!?

So many people are so kind to us, asking how we are doing, what our next steps are, reminding me that I am still young and have plenty of life ahead of me to have children, telling me stories of friends and family who also can't have children, telling me to adopt, and reassuring me that it's all in the Lord's time. To all of you, thank you.

But what I have found, at least for me, is although so many people are so kind to us, all I need is someone to take off their glasses too and sob with me. Someone to be pissed off at the world with me. Someone to be angry and sad and bitter with me. Yes, I know it'll all be alright and will all work out in the end. My faith has not been shaken and I have trust in the Lord's plan...but I can still be angry and sad and disappointed. This has been a lesson for me- when someone else is going through a difficult time, I should not reassure them that it will all be okay (most likely they already know that), rather I should weep with them.

As shared in my last blog post, our next steps were to do the injections with the IUI for four cycles. Well...my last period was exceptionally painful. This pain reminded me of how they used to feel before I had the endometriosis removed. I told my infertility specialist this and he said "Well, endometriosis usually comes back after a year of it being removed, so you are due for another surgery to remove it again anyway." So instead of doing injections right away, another surgery will be scheduled to remove the endometriosis before we proceed. We really can't get a break... However, I am so thankful for the lesson I've learned in patience...but.. does someone want to weep with me right now?