Marvelous in Our Eyes

From the Book of Mormon- Mormon, Chapter 9

15 ...and God has not ceased to be a God of miracles.

16 Behold, are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?

Every time I feel our baby move, every time I walk past a mirror (or a shiny car, or an oven door, or a window- anything that shows my reflection), every time I drive by the I-51 (the 15 miles of highway that led us to our IVF doctor), every time I buy a new blue onesie (because I simply could not resist), every time I open the fridge that still has a shelf full of shots we didn't have to use, every time I stop in my tracks and shake my head still unable to comprehend that I have a precious baby growing inside of me, every grateful prayer offered, I am more and more certain that Moroni was right- God indeed has NOT ceased to be a God of miracles. And we have proof- 

Our baby boy at 5 days old.

Our baby boy at 21 weeks old.

Me holding our Miracle.

I literally cannot comprehend these marvelous works of God, but we are sure grateful for them.

Who will You be?

Our dearest Son,

I hope you have some inkling of how much Daddy & Mommy love you, because our hearts could burst for you. When we found out you were a little boy last Friday, we were so surprised and so, so happy! I can't believe a little boy is growing inside of me. 

Do you remember that you were the strongest one, son? You made it through the doctor probing and prodding at you, then freezing you for 2 months, then thawing you, then probing and prodding at you some more. And you are the one who found your way through Mommy's uterus to find your temporary home. Thank you honey, thank you for being so strong. 

Daddy & Mommy ponder who you will be when you get here to earth. You will probably like trucks and balls and farm animals. You will probably like skateboards and snowboards and hunting. I think about your teenage years- prom, driving, dating, seminary, passing the sacrament. Daddy mentioned that he's looking forward to helping you get your Eagle Scout. I've already had a ting of pain thinking about sending you away on your mission. Where will you serve? I think about your wedding day. Who will you marry?

Never forget that Daddy & Mommy have loved you from the very first day when the nurse told us they were able to retrieve 26 eggs from Mommy's ovaries. You were 1 of those 26. You, our little 5 inch miracle. Our little boy who wiggles around so much during every ultrasound. You, who has little arms and legs, and a spine and a strong heartbeat.

Mommy can't fit into any of her pants anymore. Every time the nurse takes my weight, she mumbles "this is always the worst part, the part every woman hates..." No, this is not the worst part. I love this part. Weight means you're growing. Weight means that everything Daddy & Mommy have gone through the past 6 1/2 years for you has worked. When the nurse had to knock the scale up to the next notch, I couldn't help but smile. Weight means you are here, you are real, you are ours. You are our little growing boy.

Sweet baby boy, know that Daddy & Mommy pray for you every day. We read and sing to you. Mommy worries so much for you. Please keep growing. Stay strong. For now, stay snug deep down inside of Mommy, who loves you more than you will ever comprehend. 

Love,

Daddy & Mommy

6 More Months

To our little 3-inch miracle,

You made it to the second trimester! Daddy & Mommy are so proud of you and we love you more and more every day. 

Mommy has been very sick, throwing up multiple times a day. But you are so worth it sweetie! You would be surprised if you knew how often Mommy used to pray that I’d be sick if it meant I was pregnant. (But maybe you did hear those prayers...?)

Daddy picks up a lot of my slack- always doing the dishes and laundry and running to the store. He’s already the best Daddy!

Yesterday he said, “Babe, 6 more months!” 6 more months of growing. 6 more months of checkups and ultrasounds. 6 more months of planning. 6 more months of Daddy & Mommy praying that you’ll make here safe and sound.  Is this real?? The last 6 years of extreme depression, heartache, hope & faith are coming down to these next 6 months.

It hurts Mommy to post this because I know there are women reading it who are hurting because of their own infertility. But so many people are wondering about you. I never know the right thing to do…

Love you a million times over,
Daddy & Mommy

P.S. You have the cutest little bum!

To Our Wee One

Our dearest 5 week embryo,

We can't believe you're here. We can't believe you are growing inside of me. Do you know how much we have longed for you? Do you know how much we love your sweet little 5 week body?

Grandma's past OBGYN spoke with Mommy about our situation months ago, and he recommended that we start IVF. He said that since we had 5 failed IUIs to try and get you, that IVF was our only option. Mommy took that to heart, little one. She talked to Daddy and we prayed and prayed about it, and knew the doctor was right.

That week, Mommy made an appointment with our IVF doctor. He told us everything it was going to take for us to get pregnant with you. We were scared but so excited. So excited to be moving forward with something that might give us you.

Mommy started injections. Daddy gave me 3 shots in my tummy everyday for about 2 weeks. They hurt, but I thought of you during every shot.

Mommy after your egg was retrieved

They then put Mommy under once the follicle you were growing in grew large enough. Once the anesthesia wore off, I asked the nurse how many eggs they were able to retrieve. 26. My sweetheart, you were one of those 26.

Daddy's sperm then created the other half of you and you grew. You grew and grew for 5 days. The embryologist called Mommy and told me you were the best blastocyst, grade A. You were so strong from the very beginning! She then froze you.

After each doctor appointment and ultrasound, as Mommy drove away from the office, I thought of you and was sad to leave you, stuck in that dark, cold freezer, but knew that's where you had to stay to survive.

As Mommy took lots and lots of medication to grow a home for you, you stayed frozen. After 2 very long months, I was finally ready for you. The embryologist thawed you and Mommy prayed that you would be able to survive the thaw. And you did! Doctor put you in a little tube, then put your sweet little self into Mommy's uterus.

For 3 days after you were put inside of me, I laid in bed only to go potty. I didn't want to do anything that might harm you. We prayed that you would find my 7mm uterine lining and burrow yourself into it so you could continue to grow. And you did!

Daddy and Mommy didn't know it until over a week later. I went back to the doctor's office where you once lived and the nurse drew my blood. They tested it for the hCG pregnancy hormone, the hormone you release telling Mommy's body she's pregnant.

Your Aunt Kenna!

Friday was a long day for Daddy and Mommy, as we waited for our doctor to call to tell us if you survived or not. He finally called and told us Mommy's hCG levels were very high, we were pregnant. You had found your way through Mommy's dark uterus and had found a place to grow. We were so shocked little one! I kept running around the house saying "Oh my goodness! I can't believe it. I can't believe it!"

Mommy cried a lot, sobbing. Daddy even shed lots of tears. We told all of your grandparents and aunts and uncles and they are so excited for you! Mommy even woke up one of your sweet cousins to tell her we were going to have a baby. We all can't wait to meet you!

You at 5 days old after the thaw

Daddy rubs Mommy's tummy a lot, touching the area where you are growing. Mommy reads you books. We pray for you multiple times a day, but more so we thank our Heavenly Father for letting us be a part of one of His miracles. Mommy worries over any weird feeling experienced. I've taken 4 pregnancy tests just to make sure. We look at your 5 day old blastocyst picture all the time. And most importantly, Mommy takes estrogen and progesterone medicine 3 times a day, every day just for you. I pray it keeps you healthy and snug.

We love you more than you know, sweet baby. We are beyond excited and hopeful for you. Every tear, injection, medication, ultrasound, and penny was oh so worth it. We wouldn't change the past 6 years for anything. You are finally ours.

Now please, stay with us.



With all the love we have,

Daddy & Mommy

"Ask, and Ye Shall Receive"

At the doctor waiting for IUI procedure. 

It was February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. According to the doctor, everything lined up and was perfect. The FSH shots Coulton had given me every morning before he left for work for a week leading up to the procedure had worked. They had caused one of my follicles to mature, meaning that one egg was ready to be released from it. Coulton gave me the HcG trigger shot that Saturday before to force the egg to be released. Coulton gave his sample Monday morning and on Monday afternoon I went in to have the IUI procedure done. Both Coulton & I were beyond hopeful. My body was responding to the injections and the nurse injected 180 million healthy, fast swimming sperm directly into my uterus. I was put on progesterone to help thicken the lining of my uterus, making a healthy home for baby to implant.

The following two weeks after the procedure, we begged Heavenly Father. Lately at church, we've been focusing on "ask and ye shall receive." And I did just that. I asked Him specifically that this procedure would work, that my body would function properly, that Coulton & I would be blessed with a baby.

Coulton was sure it worked. He would hold me and kiss my belly, and have stern talks with the baby, telling him or her to be strong and to grow. Every day he would text me and ask me how I was feeling. When I told him I was crampy or my breasts were sore, he'd get excited and assure me they were signs. We talked about names for both genders, more of just confirming the names we had picked out 5 years ago.

My footsteps were very heavy & slow as I walked to the bathroom. Hoping that maybe, just maybe the wetness I felt was simply implantation bleeding, I knew. As the blood flowed into the toilet, the blood that was meant to grow our baby, I rested my head against the wall. "180 million of you and not one of you could find her," I whispered through my sobbing. Or maybe they did find her, but something else terrible happened. We will never know.

I sat in an empty bathtub with the water running when Coulton got home. This is always the worst part. He looked at me and as his smile diminished, he asked, "Did you start?" I just stared at him. "You're kidding, right?" He then sat next to the bathtub for the next 10 minutes without saying anything, staring at the ground.

That night, it was pouring rain as we sat outside listening to it and talking. "Babe, we may never be able to have a child." "You are right, we may never be able to," Coulton agreed. "But all you've wanted to be was a mother." And he cried, more than I have ever seen him cry before. It's one thing for me to feel my own heart ache, but to see my husband go through the same agony is just too much for me. "I'm done babe, we can't do this again. It's just too hard."

My mom & I after the temple.

The next day, Tuesday (just 2 days ago), as I sat in the temple, I had an overwhelming feeling over and over and over again, "Don't give up. Keep trying. Don't put it off." It was now day 2 of my cycle, and Doctor told me that if the procedure didn't work and we wanted to do it again, we would start injections on day 3. I had only a couple hours to decide what to do. I first called my husband, then the doctor to schedule an ultrasound for that day so that I could start injections the following morning.

"Really Tahshena? You're going to put yourself & your husband through that pain again? You really think it's going to work this time? Heavenly Father didn't answer or even hear your prayers last time. You're better off anyway without children; look at all the sleep and freedom you have. The whole faith & hope thing isn't working for you." Satan's whispers make this really difficult sometimes.

Roughly 24 hours earlier, I was praying that the cramping I was feeling was a pregnancy sign. Now I was driving to Scottsdale to have an ultrasound & get my next round of stronger injections. Why are we doing it again? Because we can't give up. We have to keep trying. How are we going to pay for another round? I have no idea. How does anyone deal with this? Lots of prayer & lots of tears.

"It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, move forward with faith and confidence in the future. 

The Lord will not forsake us." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Rexy Girl

I believe everyone is born with a need to love & care for someone else. I think this is one of the reasons so many of us desire to be parents. So, in March last year, just weeks before moving to Arizona, when my sister text me and told me a lady we knew was giving away this puppy, I hurried and asked her to respond and tell her that we wanted her!

 

Previously we had considered getting a dog in Idaho, but our landlord didn't allow pets so it was out of the question for a long time. But because we were moving back home, I knew this could be a possibility. 

I have never been a big animal lover or a pet owner, but I thought maybe having a doggie would fill a portion of that need and desire I had to love & care for something else (besides my husband :). 

I was beyond excited to finally be a "mommy." When we found out that we got her, Coulton and I went straight to Wal-Mart and bought her a toy. I couldn't wait to move to Arizona and meet her! 

My sister gave us the idea of naming her Rexy, after Rexburg, as that had been our home for the last 5 years. We loved it and named her Rexy! The drive from Rexburg to Phoenix was long, especially since I was so anxious to meet our pup. 

We pulled into the driveway of my parents' house and my mom brought Rexy out. We loved her the moment we held her. And when I found out that her & I share the same birthday, I knew she was meant for me. 

Heavenly Father heard my prayers and blessed me with something He could give me at the time- a puppy. I've also had a feeling that Rexy knew my babies in heaven before she came to earth & they taught her things they knew I would love.

Infertility is a strange thing. It has caused me to love this black, 4-legged, snuggly doggie more than I ever thought I could love an animal. It has made me cry when she got bit by a coyote. It has made me stand at the garage door and tell her over and over again that we'll be back soon and that I'll miss her so much and that she needs to be a good girl while me & daddy are gone. Think I'm a little crazy? Not being able to have children has made me do crazy things.

But my favorite and the most heart-breaking part of it all, is the way Coulton loves Rexy. A lot of people tease him because he is an owner of a small little "rat." But he has a hole in his heart too.

I know he is going to be a wonderful father just by the way he rubs Rexy's belly, puts her in his backpack on our bike ride, gently gives her a bath and puts the blanket over her at night to make sure she stays warm. If he can love a dog like that, I can only imagine how much he is going to love our children.



So thank you Rexy. Thank you for playing hide-and-go-seek with us. Thank you for whining at us in the morning because you want to get in bed with us. Thank you for making rocks your favorite toy and brining all of them into the house. Thank you for playing fetch with anything and everything. Thank you for being the friendliest dog at the dog park. Thank you for loving cereal just as much as I do. Thank you for ringing the bell when you need to go potty. Thank you for sitting on my lap and licking me when I cry. Thank you for snuggling me when we take a nap. Thank you for always attacking Coulton when I say "get daddy!" Thank you for being over-the-moon excited to see me when I come back from taking the trash out. 

Happy 1st birthday baby girl. Thank you for making me a "mommy."

Faith In The Middle

After Coulton & I had our last ultrasound to detect my follicles back in August, we stopped to get breakfast at Einstein Bagels. We were so excited to take the trigger shot that night. After Coulton left me to go to work, he called me. Because we had recently been debating on whether or not we should start a business with LuLaRoe, he asked me to pray about it that day to know if we really should do it or not. I agreed I would. And I did; I offered a quiet prayer, asking if going with LuLaRoe was the right thing. Later that day, as I drove to buy my trigger shot from the pharmacy, my boss called me. He told me business was slow and that I was being laid off. Though I was in shock and became worried, I knew right then this was an answer to my morning prayer. Starting a business with LuLaRoe was the right thing.

After taking the trigger shot and doing the IUI procedure, we hoped more than ever before that it would work. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I took every precaution, treating my body as if it was already pregnant. I tried more than ever before to keep my hope and be patient. Every sign of my period came, but I was sure they were all pregnancy signs because surely it would work this time.

And just like every time before, my period came, while my family and Coulton and I were at the waterpark. Perfect.

August came and went, and when the time came to do the procedure again in September, I was in Utah without Coulton, so we had to wait until October to do anything. When October came, I had an overwhelming feeling that we should wait to do the procedures again, partly because we were still waiting to do LuLaRoe and finances were tight, but mostly because I felt we shouldn't.

And the feeling I had to wait was another answer to my prayers. Ever since I had my laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis 2 years ago, I have been having awful reactions about every 2 weeks. They come on suddenly, completely flush me out through diarrhea and vomiting, give me hives and make me extremely lightheaded. At first, I was told they were a reaction to the anesthesia, then told me they were possibly an allergic reaction to a certain dye in foods, and then was told they were connected to psychiatric issues. After not being able to get any answers or help, I just learned to live with the reactions.

Coulton matching with my LuLaRoe dress!

A month ago, I had a reaction one beautiful Sunday afternoon. We had just eaten dinner, and it came on all too suddenly. After extreme diarrhea and vomiting, I crawled into the bathtub with my church dress still on and begged Coulton to turn the cold water on, as my entire body was on fire. I was having a difficult time breathing and could no longer make it to the toilet. After I gained enough energy to get out of the tub, Coulton put his arms through mine and pulled me out. I laid on the cold tile bathroom floor for the next few hours, trying to get my breath back and singing hymns, as that was the only thing that kept me calm.

It was a more extreme reaction than I had in the past, and because we felt a true concern for my life, we knew we needed to see a specialist. We saw a gastroenterologist and after explaining what I have been experiencing, immediately he sent an order for a CT scan, a 24-hour urine test, a capsule endoscopy, a colonoscopy, & gastroscopy. Because we really need to figure out what is going on in this part of my body, our infertility procedures have been put on hold for a bit until we can tackle this issue. Currently, we are waiting for the results from some of these tests, and the colonoscopy & gastroscopy will be performed on Friday.

Lately, there have been no more tears to cry. Infertility has just become a way of life. I really have come to accept the idea that Coulton and I may never have children, but we are determined to do everything possible to try and have a baby.

My faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me is strengthened everyday. Does that faith make it easier? Certainly. Does it take the pain away? Never.

It really is amazing how Heavenly Father answers my prayers, and how His hand is literally guiding and directing my life. Just when I loose my job, He allows me something better and a way to gain support for our infertility- our new business "LuLaRoe for Infertility." Just when we are about to start another round of fertility procedures, He urges me to wait so that we can take care of a more pressing problem.

On Thursday, my youngest sister tagged me in this music video. I watched it. And I bawled. Then I watched it again, and bawled even more. Then I watched again, and cried so hard I felt my head was going to explode. I guess there were more tears to cry.

  

Life- what a wild adventure. And I am so thankful for it. It may not be easy, but it is oh so wonderful. Life may not be the way I wanted it to turn out, but I know with Him, it will turn out so much better. And if I have 'faith in the middle' of my trials, I know that, eventually, everything will be OK. And I am so, so, so thankful for all the love & support from so many people, especially since starting LuLaRoe, because you help me have that faith that is needed while I'm here in the 'middle.'