"Ask, and Ye Shall Receive"

At the doctor waiting for IUI procedure. 

It was February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. According to the doctor, everything lined up and was perfect. The FSH shots Coulton had given me every morning before he left for work for a week leading up to the procedure had worked. They had caused one of my follicles to mature, meaning that one egg was ready to be released from it. Coulton gave me the HcG trigger shot that Saturday before to force the egg to be released. Coulton gave his sample Monday morning and on Monday afternoon I went in to have the IUI procedure done. Both Coulton & I were beyond hopeful. My body was responding to the injections and the nurse injected 180 million healthy, fast swimming sperm directly into my uterus. I was put on progesterone to help thicken the lining of my uterus, making a healthy home for baby to implant.

The following two weeks after the procedure, we begged Heavenly Father. Lately at church, we've been focusing on "ask and ye shall receive." And I did just that. I asked Him specifically that this procedure would work, that my body would function properly, that Coulton & I would be blessed with a baby.

Coulton was sure it worked. He would hold me and kiss my belly, and have stern talks with the baby, telling him or her to be strong and to grow. Every day he would text me and ask me how I was feeling. When I told him I was crampy or my breasts were sore, he'd get excited and assure me they were signs. We talked about names for both genders, more of just confirming the names we had picked out 5 years ago.

My footsteps were very heavy & slow as I walked to the bathroom. Hoping that maybe, just maybe the wetness I felt was simply implantation bleeding, I knew. As the blood flowed into the toilet, the blood that was meant to grow our baby, I rested my head against the wall. "180 million of you and not one of you could find her," I whispered through my sobbing. Or maybe they did find her, but something else terrible happened. We will never know.

I sat in an empty bathtub with the water running when Coulton got home. This is always the worst part. He looked at me and as his smile diminished, he asked, "Did you start?" I just stared at him. "You're kidding, right?" He then sat next to the bathtub for the next 10 minutes without saying anything, staring at the ground.

That night, it was pouring rain as we sat outside listening to it and talking. "Babe, we may never be able to have a child." "You are right, we may never be able to," Coulton agreed. "But all you've wanted to be was a mother." And he cried, more than I have ever seen him cry before. It's one thing for me to feel my own heart ache, but to see my husband go through the same agony is just too much for me. "I'm done babe, we can't do this again. It's just too hard."

My mom & I after the temple.

The next day, Tuesday (just 2 days ago), as I sat in the temple, I had an overwhelming feeling over and over and over again, "Don't give up. Keep trying. Don't put it off." It was now day 2 of my cycle, and Doctor told me that if the procedure didn't work and we wanted to do it again, we would start injections on day 3. I had only a couple hours to decide what to do. I first called my husband, then the doctor to schedule an ultrasound for that day so that I could start injections the following morning.

"Really Tahshena? You're going to put yourself & your husband through that pain again? You really think it's going to work this time? Heavenly Father didn't answer or even hear your prayers last time. You're better off anyway without children; look at all the sleep and freedom you have. The whole faith & hope thing isn't working for you." Satan's whispers make this really difficult sometimes.

Roughly 24 hours earlier, I was praying that the cramping I was feeling was a pregnancy sign. Now I was driving to Scottsdale to have an ultrasound & get my next round of stronger injections. Why are we doing it again? Because we can't give up. We have to keep trying. How are we going to pay for another round? I have no idea. How does anyone deal with this? Lots of prayer & lots of tears.

"It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, move forward with faith and confidence in the future. 

The Lord will not forsake us." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Rexy Girl

I believe everyone is born with a need to love & care for someone else. I think this is one of the reasons so many of us desire to be parents. So, in March last year, just weeks before moving to Arizona, when my sister text me and told me a lady we knew was giving away this puppy, I hurried and asked her to respond and tell her that we wanted her!

 

Previously we had considered getting a dog in Idaho, but our landlord didn't allow pets so it was out of the question for a long time. But because we were moving back home, I knew this could be a possibility. 

I have never been a big animal lover or a pet owner, but I thought maybe having a doggie would fill a portion of that need and desire I had to love & care for something else (besides my husband :). 

I was beyond excited to finally be a "mommy." When we found out that we got her, Coulton and I went straight to Wal-Mart and bought her a toy. I couldn't wait to move to Arizona and meet her! 

My sister gave us the idea of naming her Rexy, after Rexburg, as that had been our home for the last 5 years. We loved it and named her Rexy! The drive from Rexburg to Phoenix was long, especially since I was so anxious to meet our pup. 

We pulled into the driveway of my parents' house and my mom brought Rexy out. We loved her the moment we held her. And when I found out that her & I share the same birthday, I knew she was meant for me. 

Heavenly Father heard my prayers and blessed me with something He could give me at the time- a puppy. I've also had a feeling that Rexy knew my babies in heaven before she came to earth & they taught her things they knew I would love.

Infertility is a strange thing. It has caused me to love this black, 4-legged, snuggly doggie more than I ever thought I could love an animal. It has made me cry when she got bit by a coyote. It has made me stand at the garage door and tell her over and over again that we'll be back soon and that I'll miss her so much and that she needs to be a good girl while me & daddy are gone. Think I'm a little crazy? Not being able to have children has made me do crazy things.

But my favorite and the most heart-breaking part of it all, is the way Coulton loves Rexy. A lot of people tease him because he is an owner of a small little "rat." But he has a hole in his heart too.

I know he is going to be a wonderful father just by the way he rubs Rexy's belly, puts her in his backpack on our bike ride, gently gives her a bath and puts the blanket over her at night to make sure she stays warm. If he can love a dog like that, I can only imagine how much he is going to love our children.



So thank you Rexy. Thank you for playing hide-and-go-seek with us. Thank you for whining at us in the morning because you want to get in bed with us. Thank you for making rocks your favorite toy and brining all of them into the house. Thank you for playing fetch with anything and everything. Thank you for being the friendliest dog at the dog park. Thank you for loving cereal just as much as I do. Thank you for ringing the bell when you need to go potty. Thank you for sitting on my lap and licking me when I cry. Thank you for snuggling me when we take a nap. Thank you for always attacking Coulton when I say "get daddy!" Thank you for being over-the-moon excited to see me when I come back from taking the trash out. 

Happy 1st birthday baby girl. Thank you for making me a "mommy."

Faith In The Middle

After Coulton & I had our last ultrasound to detect my follicles back in August, we stopped to get breakfast at Einstein Bagels. We were so excited to take the trigger shot that night. After Coulton left me to go to work, he called me. Because we had recently been debating on whether or not we should start a business with LuLaRoe, he asked me to pray about it that day to know if we really should do it or not. I agreed I would. And I did; I offered a quiet prayer, asking if going with LuLaRoe was the right thing. Later that day, as I drove to buy my trigger shot from the pharmacy, my boss called me. He told me business was slow and that I was being laid off. Though I was in shock and became worried, I knew right then this was an answer to my morning prayer. Starting a business with LuLaRoe was the right thing.

After taking the trigger shot and doing the IUI procedure, we hoped more than ever before that it would work. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I took every precaution, treating my body as if it was already pregnant. I tried more than ever before to keep my hope and be patient. Every sign of my period came, but I was sure they were all pregnancy signs because surely it would work this time.

And just like every time before, my period came, while my family and Coulton and I were at the waterpark. Perfect.

August came and went, and when the time came to do the procedure again in September, I was in Utah without Coulton, so we had to wait until October to do anything. When October came, I had an overwhelming feeling that we should wait to do the procedures again, partly because we were still waiting to do LuLaRoe and finances were tight, but mostly because I felt we shouldn't.

And the feeling I had to wait was another answer to my prayers. Ever since I had my laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis 2 years ago, I have been having awful reactions about every 2 weeks. They come on suddenly, completely flush me out through diarrhea and vomiting, give me hives and make me extremely lightheaded. At first, I was told they were a reaction to the anesthesia, then told me they were possibly an allergic reaction to a certain dye in foods, and then was told they were connected to psychiatric issues. After not being able to get any answers or help, I just learned to live with the reactions.

Coulton matching with my LuLaRoe dress!

A month ago, I had a reaction one beautiful Sunday afternoon. We had just eaten dinner, and it came on all too suddenly. After extreme diarrhea and vomiting, I crawled into the bathtub with my church dress still on and begged Coulton to turn the cold water on, as my entire body was on fire. I was having a difficult time breathing and could no longer make it to the toilet. After I gained enough energy to get out of the tub, Coulton put his arms through mine and pulled me out. I laid on the cold tile bathroom floor for the next few hours, trying to get my breath back and singing hymns, as that was the only thing that kept me calm.

It was a more extreme reaction than I had in the past, and because we felt a true concern for my life, we knew we needed to see a specialist. We saw a gastroenterologist and after explaining what I have been experiencing, immediately he sent an order for a CT scan, a 24-hour urine test, a capsule endoscopy, a colonoscopy, & gastroscopy. Because we really need to figure out what is going on in this part of my body, our infertility procedures have been put on hold for a bit until we can tackle this issue. Currently, we are waiting for the results from some of these tests, and the colonoscopy & gastroscopy will be performed on Friday.

Lately, there have been no more tears to cry. Infertility has just become a way of life. I really have come to accept the idea that Coulton and I may never have children, but we are determined to do everything possible to try and have a baby.

My faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me is strengthened everyday. Does that faith make it easier? Certainly. Does it take the pain away? Never.

It really is amazing how Heavenly Father answers my prayers, and how His hand is literally guiding and directing my life. Just when I loose my job, He allows me something better and a way to gain support for our infertility- our new business "LuLaRoe for Infertility." Just when we are about to start another round of fertility procedures, He urges me to wait so that we can take care of a more pressing problem.

On Thursday, my youngest sister tagged me in this music video. I watched it. And I bawled. Then I watched it again, and bawled even more. Then I watched again, and cried so hard I felt my head was going to explode. I guess there were more tears to cry.

  

Life- what a wild adventure. And I am so thankful for it. It may not be easy, but it is oh so wonderful. Life may not be the way I wanted it to turn out, but I know with Him, it will turn out so much better. And if I have 'faith in the middle' of my trials, I know that, eventually, everything will be OK. And I am so, so, so thankful for all the love & support from so many people, especially since starting LuLaRoe, because you help me have that faith that is needed while I'm here in the 'middle.'

Step by Step

Moving to Phoenix forced us to find a new fertility doctor. After searching and receiving multiple recommendations, we had our initial consultation with Dr. Troche. We loved him from the beginning and he definitely didn't want to mess around or waste any time. He informed me to wait for my next period, then we would do a list of things. My period inconveniently came around a time when we were going to be traveling out of State, so I had to wait until the following month. My period never came again, strangely enough. I was then put on Provera, which forced my period to start 2 weeks later. I then took Femara days 5-9 of my period, which causes the follicles in my ovaries to mature. 

Maturing follicle (the black circle)

A transvaginal ultrasound was then done on day 12, which was just this past Thursday. Coulton and I were beyond excited to go to this appointment. This ultrasound was to verify that follicles in my ovaries were actually maturing. 


As she was searching for and measuring the follicles, the Spirit was strong in the room. I had this overwhelming sense of my children in the room, as if they were standing behind the bed, comforting me. The doctor found 2 close-to-mature follicles on each side, telling us that they would be mature that evening. Yippee!! We were so excited! 

We were then instructed to take a trigger shot that evening at exactly 9pm, once the follicles would be mature. The trigger shot is an hCG injection which triggers ovulation and egg release. We were at my brother and sister-in-law's house for a birthday get-together. Because we had to do it at exactly 9pm, we had no choice but to sneak away into their spare bedroom and inject the shot, which goes into the abdomen. I was so nervous, but so excited! This was such an exciting next step, and we are so hopeful that these new procedures will bring new outcomes. 

Waiting 15 minutes after the sperm is injected.

Exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot is injected, the IUI (when the sperm is washed and then placed inside the uterus) must be performed. So, yesterday morning at 9am, after Coulton's sperm had been collected, all of our potential little babies were placed directly in me. 


And now we wait. And now we do everything we can, spiritually and physically, to allow and make this work, while always remembering and having hope in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. And THAT is the hardest thing ever. 

"...ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you." -Alma 32:43

A Loss

I'm at a loss.

A loss for how to react when I find out that another friend is having her second baby.

A loss for how to deal with another month gone by with no hope, making it a total of 56 hopeless months now.

A loss for what to do when everyone else is so busy with their little ones and having play dates and bedtime schedules. 

A loss for how to hold back my tears when everyone loves the baby, but kicks my puppy out because she stinks and bites.

A loss for what to say when another person suggests that we should just adopt. 

A loss for how to act like it's no big deal when someone asks, "You have three kids now, right?!" "Nope, that's my brother."

A loss for how to learn to deal with another childless Mother's Day.

A loss for how to fake a "thank you" when even my hygienist, after asking me if I had any kids, reassures me that I'm still young and that it'll all work out. (Am I wearing a sign on my forehead that reads CAN'T HAVE KIDS. GIVE ME YOUR CONDOLENCES...?)

A loss for how to handle the loneliness I feel. 

A loss for what it would be like to have a little girl who wants me to put pigtails in her hair, or a boy Coulton can throw a ball to, or children I could take swimming in the hot Arizona heat on a Tuesday afternoon. 

Not being able to have a baby is one giant, gaping loss. 


I'm also at a loss for fully comprehending Heavenly Father's love for me- I'm just one girl out of a trillion people, yet He loves me personally.

A loss for completely making sense of the Atonement- that the Savior knows exactly how I feel.

A loss at being able to explain the love I have for my unborn children. I think it's that love I have for them that causes me so much pain and heartache. 

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief..."   –Hilary Stanton Zunin

Can't Stop Trying

Elder Rasband, an apostle of Jesus Christ for my church came and spoke to us a couple of weeks ago. He shared so many wonderful insights, but the one that stuck out to me most was "failure in the home happens when we stop trying." I am so glad Coulton and I decided to keep trying, to keep pushing forward in trying to have a baby.

On Sunday, both Coulton and I were able to be a part of our ward council since it was ward conference. We met with our wonderful stake presidency. After some training, our stake president spoke up and said that the spirit had prompted him to share something. He was very hesitant to share it and kept beating around the bush, but finally said "I feel like I should share with you the idea that you should not wait to have children. You should not wait until you are done with school or financially stable. They will bring joy into your life. Don't wait." Once my tears turned into sobbing, I took my glasses off and as discretely as I could, buried my head in my hands and then into Coulton's shoulder. Man, was I thankful he was there. President was aware of our situation, thus making him hesitate to share what he did.  I was glad he shared what he was prompted to, but words like that make me feel so...confused? Through multiple servants of the Lord, we have been asked that we not wait to have children, to "let the children come." We are doing everything to obey that. What am I doing wrong!?!?

So many people are so kind to us, asking how we are doing, what our next steps are, reminding me that I am still young and have plenty of life ahead of me to have children, telling me stories of friends and family who also can't have children, telling me to adopt, and reassuring me that it's all in the Lord's time. To all of you, thank you.

But what I have found, at least for me, is although so many people are so kind to us, all I need is someone to take off their glasses too and sob with me. Someone to be pissed off at the world with me. Someone to be angry and sad and bitter with me. Yes, I know it'll all be alright and will all work out in the end. My faith has not been shaken and I have trust in the Lord's plan...but I can still be angry and sad and disappointed. This has been a lesson for me- when someone else is going through a difficult time, I should not reassure them that it will all be okay (most likely they already know that), rather I should weep with them.

As shared in my last blog post, our next steps were to do the injections with the IUI for four cycles. Well...my last period was exceptionally painful. This pain reminded me of how they used to feel before I had the endometriosis removed. I told my infertility specialist this and he said "Well, endometriosis usually comes back after a year of it being removed, so you are due for another surgery to remove it again anyway." So instead of doing injections right away, another surgery will be scheduled to remove the endometriosis before we proceed. We really can't get a break... However, I am so thankful for the lesson I've learned in patience...but.. does someone want to weep with me right now?

"...there was only one set of footprints."

"Babe, I hate this." "Hate what?" Coulton asked. "Not having any close friends who are going through the same thing as me." "I'm going through the same thing babe," he said. We got tears in our eyes and held each other's hand for a while. He is right. He is my best, closest friend, and he is going through the same thing I am. What a blessing and awful thing that is. 

I've been thinking about the "Footprints in the Sand" poem a lot lately. Over the last 2 months, especially during Christmas, there have only been one set of footprints in my sand. The Savior has not been walking next me, He has literally been carrying me. I have felt an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort that I know can only come from Him. Trust me- there is nothing in this worldly life that could ever give me this kind of peace during such a horrible time. After such an infernal November, I am eternally grateful my Savior picked me up and carried me. 

After feeling so much peace, we felt as if we should take a break from medicine, ultrasounds, procedures and tests. But as we thought and prayed about it, we felt like that wasn't right. We must keep trying. We must keep moving forward. So... I will have a saline sonogram done after my next period to make sure that my uterus is clear and free of any scar tissue from my last surgery. After which, if all looks good, we will do 4 more rounds of Femara, FSH injections (shots that cause more than one egg to become mature), a trigger shot (which forces the eggs to be released), and an IUI. If all 4 rounds fail, then we will do IVF. 

"It will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future." -Gordon B. Hinckley