Our Birth Story

I have decided to record Kurt's birth story instead of writing it.

7 Years

Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. It is also week 38 of our pregnancy. Both of which have simply flown by. I never would have thought that 7 years from our wedding day we would be where we are now.

On May 5th, we had our baby shower. My mom, sisters and close friends helped throw it for Coulton and me. It was such a beautiful celebration, a day that I have been dreaming of for a very long time, long before I was married. Many family and friends came, men and women, and showed us so much love and support. After a few years of trying to get pregnant, I told myself that Coulton would be a part of the baby shower celebration if we ever had one; I couldn't dare leave him out of such a wonderful time after he had been through the same heartache and struggle.

Just days after our baby shower, we packed up and moved to Boise, Idaho for a job Coulton received. There have been many things that I have learned during our trials, but if one thing's for sure- Heavenly Father's hand is in every aspect of our lives and he cares about every detail. By us moving to Idaho and Coulton receiving this work position, I am going to be able to stay home and care for our baby. This has always been a dream and a goal of mine and we are so thankful.


As I flew away on an airplane from Phoenix to Boise, I couldn't help but think about the many people who showed us so much love, compassion and support in the 2 life changing years we lived there. I also waved goodbye to our 4 strong frozen embryos that are waiting for us should we not be able to get pregnant again on our own. Phoenix was just a stop on the way to where we were going, but we are eternally indebted to so many people who changed our lives forever.


Boise is home to us now. We absolutely love it here! As we celebrated our anniversary yesterday exploring a small town in western Idaho, Coulton and I mentioned all the fun things that we are going to be able to do with our son once he's here- camping, fishing, hiking, swimming, rafting, hunting. Everything we did, we mentioned how much fun it will be once he's here and we can include him in on our adventures.

A couple of weeks ago, I cried to Coulton that I didn't want to have our baby so soon. I wanted to be pregnant longer. I have this worry that I may never be pregnant again, that this might be the only time it happens for us and I didn't want it to be over. Just days after feeling this way, baby boy must have grew a lot because I became very uncomfortable, not being able to breathe or sit or stand or sleep or bend over or lie down. I think our son was telling me, "Mommy, you do want me to come, right? I want to be with you and Daddy. Here, I'll show you." So yes, now I certainly want him here. But that fear still lingers in my mind that it may never happen for us again, so I am trying to soak in every second I have with him inside of me, trying to remember every special moment.

Here's to another year of eternity with my husband and to waiting 2-3 more weeks for our sweet miracle baby! Goodness, gracious does God have perfect timing. Sometimes, I have to look back into the past to realize that He has answered my prayers. But He has answered them. Always. In His time. In His way. Over the last 7 years, I've rarely been happy about His time or His way, but looking back now, I wouldn't change one single aspect of this terrible trial of infertility.

Marvelous in Our Eyes

From the Book of Mormon- Mormon, Chapter 9

15 ...and God has not ceased to be a God of miracles.

16 Behold, are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?

Every time I feel our baby move, every time I walk past a mirror (or a shiny car, or an oven door, or a window- anything that shows my reflection), every time I drive by the I-51 (the 15 miles of highway that led us to our IVF doctor), every time I buy a new blue onesie (because I simply could not resist), every time I open the fridge that still has a shelf full of shots we didn't have to use, every time I stop in my tracks and shake my head still unable to comprehend that I have a precious baby growing inside of me, every grateful prayer offered, I am more and more certain that Moroni was right- God indeed has NOT ceased to be a God of miracles. And we have proof- 

Our baby boy at 5 days old.

Our baby boy at 21 weeks old.

Me holding our Miracle.

I literally cannot comprehend these marvelous works of God, but we are sure grateful for them.

Who will You be?

Our dearest Son,

I hope you have some inkling of how much Daddy & Mommy love you, because our hearts could burst for you. When we found out you were a little boy last Friday, we were so surprised and so, so happy! I can't believe a little boy is growing inside of me. 

Do you remember that you were the strongest one, son? You made it through the doctor probing and prodding at you, then freezing you for 2 months, then thawing you, then probing and prodding at you some more. And you are the one who found your way through Mommy's uterus to find your temporary home. Thank you honey, thank you for being so strong. 

Daddy & Mommy ponder who you will be when you get here to earth. You will probably like trucks and balls and farm animals. You will probably like skateboards and snowboards and hunting. I think about your teenage years- prom, driving, dating, seminary, passing the sacrament. Daddy mentioned that he's looking forward to helping you get your Eagle Scout. I've already had a ting of pain thinking about sending you away on your mission. Where will you serve? I think about your wedding day. Who will you marry?

Never forget that Daddy & Mommy have loved you from the very first day when the nurse told us they were able to retrieve 26 eggs from Mommy's ovaries. You were 1 of those 26. You, our little 5 inch miracle. Our little boy who wiggles around so much during every ultrasound. You, who has little arms and legs, and a spine and a strong heartbeat.

Mommy can't fit into any of her pants anymore. Every time the nurse takes my weight, she mumbles "this is always the worst part, the part every woman hates..." No, this is not the worst part. I love this part. Weight means you're growing. Weight means that everything Daddy & Mommy have gone through the past 6 1/2 years for you has worked. When the nurse had to knock the scale up to the next notch, I couldn't help but smile. Weight means you are here, you are real, you are ours. You are our little growing boy.

Sweet baby boy, know that Daddy & Mommy pray for you every day. We read and sing to you. Mommy worries so much for you. Please keep growing. Stay strong. For now, stay snug deep down inside of Mommy, who loves you more than you will ever comprehend. 

Love,

Daddy & Mommy

6 More Months

To our little 3-inch miracle,

You made it to the second trimester! Daddy & Mommy are so proud of you and we love you more and more every day. 

Mommy has been very sick, throwing up multiple times a day. But you are so worth it sweetie! You would be surprised if you knew how often Mommy used to pray that I’d be sick if it meant I was pregnant. (But maybe you did hear those prayers...?)

Daddy picks up a lot of my slack- always doing the dishes and laundry and running to the store. He’s already the best Daddy!

Yesterday he said, “Babe, 6 more months!” 6 more months of growing. 6 more months of checkups and ultrasounds. 6 more months of planning. 6 more months of Daddy & Mommy praying that you’ll make here safe and sound.  Is this real?? The last 6 years of extreme depression, heartache, hope & faith are coming down to these next 6 months.

It hurts Mommy to post this because I know there are women reading it who are hurting because of their own infertility. But so many people are wondering about you. I never know the right thing to do…

Love you a million times over,
Daddy & Mommy

P.S. You have the cutest little bum!

To Our Wee One

Our dearest 5 week embryo,

We can't believe you're here. We can't believe you are growing inside of me. Do you know how much we have longed for you? Do you know how much we love your sweet little 5 week body?

Grandma's past OBGYN spoke with Mommy about our situation months ago, and he recommended that we start IVF. He said that since we had 5 failed IUIs to try and get you, that IVF was our only option. Mommy took that to heart, little one. She talked to Daddy and we prayed and prayed about it, and knew the doctor was right.

That week, Mommy made an appointment with our IVF doctor. He told us everything it was going to take for us to get pregnant with you. We were scared but so excited. So excited to be moving forward with something that might give us you.

Mommy started injections. Daddy gave me 3 shots in my tummy everyday for about 2 weeks. They hurt, but I thought of you during every shot.

Mommy after your egg was retrieved

They then put Mommy under once the follicle you were growing in grew large enough. Once the anesthesia wore off, I asked the nurse how many eggs they were able to retrieve. 26. My sweetheart, you were one of those 26.

Daddy's sperm then created the other half of you and you grew. You grew and grew for 5 days. The embryologist called Mommy and told me you were the best blastocyst, grade A. You were so strong from the very beginning! She then froze you.

After each doctor appointment and ultrasound, as Mommy drove away from the office, I thought of you and was sad to leave you, stuck in that dark, cold freezer, but knew that's where you had to stay to survive.

As Mommy took lots and lots of medication to grow a home for you, you stayed frozen. After 2 very long months, I was finally ready for you. The embryologist thawed you and Mommy prayed that you would be able to survive the thaw. And you did! Doctor put you in a little tube, then put your sweet little self into Mommy's uterus.

For 3 days after you were put inside of me, I laid in bed only to go potty. I didn't want to do anything that might harm you. We prayed that you would find my 7mm uterine lining and burrow yourself into it so you could continue to grow. And you did!

Daddy and Mommy didn't know it until over a week later. I went back to the doctor's office where you once lived and the nurse drew my blood. They tested it for the hCG pregnancy hormone, the hormone you release telling Mommy's body she's pregnant.

Your Aunt Kenna!

Friday was a long day for Daddy and Mommy, as we waited for our doctor to call to tell us if you survived or not. He finally called and told us Mommy's hCG levels were very high, we were pregnant. You had found your way through Mommy's dark uterus and had found a place to grow. We were so shocked little one! I kept running around the house saying "Oh my goodness! I can't believe it. I can't believe it!"

Mommy cried a lot, sobbing. Daddy even shed lots of tears. We told all of your grandparents and aunts and uncles and they are so excited for you! Mommy even woke up one of your sweet cousins to tell her we were going to have a baby. We all can't wait to meet you!

You at 5 days old after the thaw

Daddy rubs Mommy's tummy a lot, touching the area where you are growing. Mommy reads you books. We pray for you multiple times a day, but more so we thank our Heavenly Father for letting us be a part of one of His miracles. Mommy worries over any weird feeling experienced. I've taken 4 pregnancy tests just to make sure. We look at your 5 day old blastocyst picture all the time. And most importantly, Mommy takes estrogen and progesterone medicine 3 times a day, every day just for you. I pray it keeps you healthy and snug.

We love you more than you know, sweet baby. We are beyond excited and hopeful for you. Every tear, injection, medication, ultrasound, and penny was oh so worth it. We wouldn't change the past 6 years for anything. You are finally ours.

Now please, stay with us.



With all the love we have,

Daddy & Mommy

"Ask, and Ye Shall Receive"

At the doctor waiting for IUI procedure. 

It was February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. According to the doctor, everything lined up and was perfect. The FSH shots Coulton had given me every morning before he left for work for a week leading up to the procedure had worked. They had caused one of my follicles to mature, meaning that one egg was ready to be released from it. Coulton gave me the HcG trigger shot that Saturday before to force the egg to be released. Coulton gave his sample Monday morning and on Monday afternoon I went in to have the IUI procedure done. Both Coulton & I were beyond hopeful. My body was responding to the injections and the nurse injected 180 million healthy, fast swimming sperm directly into my uterus. I was put on progesterone to help thicken the lining of my uterus, making a healthy home for baby to implant.

The following two weeks after the procedure, we begged Heavenly Father. Lately at church, we've been focusing on "ask and ye shall receive." And I did just that. I asked Him specifically that this procedure would work, that my body would function properly, that Coulton & I would be blessed with a baby.

Coulton was sure it worked. He would hold me and kiss my belly, and have stern talks with the baby, telling him or her to be strong and to grow. Every day he would text me and ask me how I was feeling. When I told him I was crampy or my breasts were sore, he'd get excited and assure me they were signs. We talked about names for both genders, more of just confirming the names we had picked out 5 years ago.

My footsteps were very heavy & slow as I walked to the bathroom. Hoping that maybe, just maybe the wetness I felt was simply implantation bleeding, I knew. As the blood flowed into the toilet, the blood that was meant to grow our baby, I rested my head against the wall. "180 million of you and not one of you could find her," I whispered through my sobbing. Or maybe they did find her, but something else terrible happened. We will never know.

I sat in an empty bathtub with the water running when Coulton got home. This is always the worst part. He looked at me and as his smile diminished, he asked, "Did you start?" I just stared at him. "You're kidding, right?" He then sat next to the bathtub for the next 10 minutes without saying anything, staring at the ground.

That night, it was pouring rain as we sat outside listening to it and talking. "Babe, we may never be able to have a child." "You are right, we may never be able to," Coulton agreed. "But all you've wanted to be was a mother." And he cried, more than I have ever seen him cry before. It's one thing for me to feel my own heart ache, but to see my husband go through the same agony is just too much for me. "I'm done babe, we can't do this again. It's just too hard."

My mom & I after the temple.

The next day, Tuesday (just 2 days ago), as I sat in the temple, I had an overwhelming feeling over and over and over again, "Don't give up. Keep trying. Don't put it off." It was now day 2 of my cycle, and Doctor told me that if the procedure didn't work and we wanted to do it again, we would start injections on day 3. I had only a couple hours to decide what to do. I first called my husband, then the doctor to schedule an ultrasound for that day so that I could start injections the following morning.

"Really Tahshena? You're going to put yourself & your husband through that pain again? You really think it's going to work this time? Heavenly Father didn't answer or even hear your prayers last time. You're better off anyway without children; look at all the sleep and freedom you have. The whole faith & hope thing isn't working for you." Satan's whispers make this really difficult sometimes.

Roughly 24 hours earlier, I was praying that the cramping I was feeling was a pregnancy sign. Now I was driving to Scottsdale to have an ultrasound & get my next round of stronger injections. Why are we doing it again? Because we can't give up. We have to keep trying. How are we going to pay for another round? I have no idea. How does anyone deal with this? Lots of prayer & lots of tears.

"It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, move forward with faith and confidence in the future. 

The Lord will not forsake us." -Gordon B. Hinckley